tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57130163006066229152024-02-20T08:41:42.023-08:00Run -- Zombies Chase YouRun -- Zombies Chase You is relentlessly random, tryingly funny, and annoyingly referential.The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.comBlogger247125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-77473254312004384992013-06-21T07:33:00.000-07:002013-06-21T07:33:02.531-07:00The Evolutionary Committee: Plant Edition<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
"Okay, so Clive has decided to go with a light, pleasant scent in order to attract bees for pollination. Some would call that a safe strategy, but I for one applaud his decision to place survival over this newfangled need to appear innovative. Mabel, I understand they've started calling you 'the corpse flower,' so I hope you're happy."<br />
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"My odor brings all the flies to the yard, George, and they're like, 'I'll pollinate yours.'"<br />
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"Todd, have you come up with a solution for your soil quality problem?"<br />
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"I'm going to murder animals so that they'll rot on my roots."</div>
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"Todd, you're a plant. Get it together and come up with something reasonable by Friday. Now I think we can take a five minute - <i>Jesus Christ, Mabel, how can stand to smell yourself?</i>"<br />
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"I could teach you, but I'd have to charge."</div>
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<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3c/Puya_chilensis_01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3c/Puya_chilensis_01.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
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"Puya chilensis... uses its sharp spines to snare and trap sheep and other animals, which slowly starve to death.
The animals then decay at the base of the plant, acting as a fertiliser." (<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-surrey-22967160" target="_blank">source: BBC</a>)</div>
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-33165974389189108632013-05-29T08:58:00.004-07:002013-05-29T10:11:50.444-07:00Social Economics: How I Explain Things To My Extrovert Boss<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 18px;"><u><b>Essentially Selfish: Social Economics</b></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 18px;">Your capacity for social interaction is a type of currency. It’s the only type of currency, in fact, that is universal and globally traded. And, like when you were trying to learn about the stock market in high school, everyone begins with an inherent amount of it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 18px;">Some people have more. We call these people extroverts; like their monetary counterparts drive the material economy, they drive the social economy because they have a high capacity for both consumption and donation. The quality of their social interaction is not the question nor the defining factor of their ‘class.’ Rather, they are able to handle volume. They can ‘buy’ expensive social interactions – multiple people, loud settings, frequent interactions – because they have that amount in their social bank accounts.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 18px;">Introverts can and do also participate in the social stock market, but they don’t have the capacity of an extrovert. Both their input and output is limited – they can only buy so much, but they can also only sell so much. If they deplete their account on, say, a large party, then it takes time to build their reserves back up. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 18px;">This is where introverts and extroverts fail to understand each other. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 18px;">An extrovert responds to the poverty of another extrovert by quickly loaning them capital. Because of the way the extrovert-driven economy works, they have no reason to doubt that they will be paid back. The market is open and honest, and no one is ever destitute because the currency is in a constant flow. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 18px;">Even if offered a loan, however, an introvert simply does not have the internal capacity necessary to store the amount an extrovert who wants to help would offer without thinking. They must build their reserves in order to participate in the economy, but are only capable of making small trades that allow them to build them over time. They may even initially want to take what the extrovert is offering, but will quickly find themselves overwhelmed and facing overdraft fines that leave them just as impoverished as when they began; a little bit of social currency is forever removed from the system when this happens, so that extroverts feel slighted because they did not get their full repayment, and introverts feel guilty for defaulting, or bitter that they were given an amount they were not capable of controlling.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 18px;">For this reason, a lot of introverts read extroverts as greedy, or hoarders, when extroverts are really just expecting a higher capacity exchange. So they take a lot and in fact are giving a lot, but the introvert they're giving to can't receive it. So the effect is draining but it's not the intention. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; line-height: 18px;">There ARE people who just take, without a reciprocal exchange, but they'll impoverish even an extrovert eventually. A truly extroverted participant in the social economy can be seen as a free-flowing conduit. They are both energized by and energizing to those around them. A social hoarder will take all that is offered to them – dinner invitations, sympathetic ears, compliments – but then make no attempt to reciprocate. Extroverts sometimes begin to see introverts this way, because they are so accustomed to larger gestures that they barely even notice the smaller ones introverts are able to make. In this way, both groups mistake each other for economical non-participants. This generates acrimony and eventually leads to economic shut down – i.e. the termination or dissolution of friendships.</span></div>
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-16542079256206106812013-05-28T11:54:00.003-07:002013-05-28T11:54:31.058-07:00It's Me Manifesto<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span id="docs-internal-guid-53c852ae-ec74-0168-e605-64cef9a1bdaa"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">This is my real resume.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The one that I could never submit anywhere, because it wouldn't be taken seriously, despite the fact that it's the most accurate representation of me I think is possible in a resume.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m an introvert who taught herself to be an extrovert.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I could read when I was four years old and they felt they couldn’t justify keeping me out of kindergarten at that point. Smaller than my so-called peers, I kept my nose in a book and never developed social skills; if my family culture wasn’t against psychological diagnoses I probably would have carried the Asperger’s label before they retired it. I was painfully self-conscious and easily bullied. I dreamed of being a farmer so I could talk to animals all day and read books by myself at night, but when I was seventeen I made myself learn to talk to people so I could counsel rape survivors. I did that until I realized it was breaking my heart beyond repair, and then made a series of stumbling, pre-adulthood missteps that netted me a lot of experience and a lot of reason not to trust people.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then almost without meaning to, I rediscovered what it was like to </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">learn</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. And not just learn but absorb, to catch the thread of something interesting and grab and pull and follow until I could wrap myself up in it. My first attempt at college hadn’t gone so well, and I’d decided that I was just simply not meant to go to college, but I tried again and realized that I simply hadn’t been ready. Everything was there, waiting to be learned, and college was the excuse to do it. I threw myself into academia, made the Chancellor’s list every semester, and realized that, far from being able to hide in books, I needed to be able to communicate with people even more. Every day, every second was a test of adaptation and communication: if I do this right, if I talk to this person in just the right way, there’s no limit to what they can teach me.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I got an internship at the [leadership teaching place] because I decided to ask for one – there was nothing posted, I simply sent in my resume and said, “I would love to intern for you.” I didn’t know at the time what I was chasing; in hindsight I would say that it was only a natural that I move from learning about </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">things</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> to learning about </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">learning</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, that I would migrate from writing papers about the innovation I could see on the page in the transition from Victorian to Modern British literature to working in a place where they literally study innovation. I made a conscious decision when I started to learn how to “network,” as they say, and what I’ve learned is that if you’re honest, and open to what other people have to teach you, people will notice.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve learned that the world is a really cool place. There are ideas happening all over the world, all the time, and it’s not that all of them are good ideas - in fact a lot of them are pretty bad ideas - but it’s the fact that we, as humans, our natural state is to have ideas, to come up with new structures and new ways of explaining How Stuff Works, Why Stuff Works, and How We Can Make Stuff Better. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 32px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Kate</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">kaoine.to.fly@gmail.com | [rest redacted because this is the internet]</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Autodidactic, reliable renaissance thinker with a day job as a digital resources project manager for a multinational nonprofit and a night job earning a master’s degree in English literature, concentrating on editing and publishing, with a self-diagnosed case of ADHD that funnels excess brainpower to running marathons and learning about what amazing new ways of thinking are out there. Believes despite all evidence and a frequent, creeping sense of dystopia that people are good, and the world is amazing. Thinks that if more people could see that, it would be even more amazing.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 19px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Key Skills</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Prolific Writer</span><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Able to write to any audience from high academic to corporate clients to casual blogging.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Detail Oriented</span><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Currently earning a degree in editing and known to correct grammatical errors </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">unasked</span><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">; an attentive and responsive editor and beta reader when asked.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Knowledge Management</span><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Experience acquiring, synthesizing and organizing knowledge content for easy retrieval.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Research</span><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Skilled in databases and research tools; close friends with several research librarians besides.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Technology</span><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Native user. Remembers the days when she booted the entire WindowsOS from a floppy disk. Custom builds PCs for gaming, runs a LinuxOS off a USB stick, will begrudgingly use a Mac without setting it on fire.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Communication</span><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. Known for ability to communicate across boundaries and tailor approach to suit audience. In a presentation for a rhetoric class, convinced a Ph.D’d professor that the aquatic ape theory held merit, despite the fact that the stated assignment was to argue in favor of a terrible idea.</span></div>
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[redacted because this is the internet, and I don't want people contacting my employers about a blog where I spork bad movies and talk about my feet]</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA AT GREENSBORO – Greensboro, NC</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Masters of Arts in English Literature, Editing and Publishing – In Progress</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Bachelor of Arts in English Literature – December 2012</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Summa Cum Laude</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Running </span></span></div>
<ul style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Completed two marathons in under 4 hours</span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Runs almost daily</span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Self-driven student of the science of running</span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<div dir="ltr" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Science</span></span></div>
<ul style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">May in fact be using ‘science’ as a blanket term for an insatiable need to understand How Stuff Works, Why Stuff Works, and Now What?</span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<div dir="ltr" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Culture, Pop and Obscure</span></span></div>
<ul style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">From Beowulf to Beyonce, I will own you in a trivia contest</span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Audiophile with no real genre limitations.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Science fiction nerd who likes Star Trek </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and</span><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Star Wars, but thinks Stargate could take them both in a fight.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Is gay. Thought about being coy about it, but wants to believe the world is past that. Won’t claim to Understand All Gay People or anything like that, but makes an effort to stay plugged into LGBTQA culture, at least enough to keep up with the growth of the bleeping acronym. </span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; line-height: 19px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Gamer. Primarily a PC gamer, working knowledge of several MMOs and pays attention to industry news.</span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thinks West Wing was the greatest TV show ever made, but will sometimes also say ‘Firefly’ or ‘Veronica Mars.’ Is trying to watch more Dr Who but can't really get past the </span><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; white-space: pre-wrap;">absence</span><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"> of Donna Noble. Sometimes watches reality television.</span></span></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
</div>
<hr style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;" />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><br />
<div style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;">
</div>
<div dir="ltr" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">The bottom line: I’m a motivated webcrawler who can take complicated information and communicate it in ways people not plugged into the feed can understand. If I don’t know an answer, I find someone who does. Every time.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Here are some links to things that inspire me. I have no way of knowing if you’ve seen them, so I won’t apologize if you have.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span>
<br />
<ul style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 19px; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Fraud Police - Amanda Palmer’s Commencement Speech to NEIA’s class of 2012 </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eA8XiC3m7vw" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eA8XiC3m7vw</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Anne Hathaway’s Speech at the HRC Awards </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZuIdQVEVY0" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZuIdQVEVY0</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">We Are All Cyborgs Now - Amber Case’s TEDtalk </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1KJAXM3xYA" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1KJAXM3xYA</span></a><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></span></div>
</li>
<li dir="ltr" style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; list-style-type: disc; vertical-align: baseline;"><div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And a bonus, something that makes me laugh </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">every single time I watch it</span><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">: </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-w-58hQ9dLk" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: transparent; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-w-58hQ9dLk</span></a></span><b><span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b></div>
</li>
</ul>
<br /></div>
The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-68065914663516904552013-04-07T14:46:00.001-07:002013-04-07T14:46:40.091-07:00Sometimes when I go through my old notebooks, I find things.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Things I don't remember writing. I wrote this poem, once, apparently. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b id="internal-source-marker_0.16787024913355708" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The root of the problem</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">when squared</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">becomes the problem.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Malcontentment</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">when squared</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">becomes a ghost.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Further:</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ghost, squared,</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">becomes also the root</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">of demon, which</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is really only</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">malice, when malice</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is squared.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The three dimensional square</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(which is called a cube)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is sometimes called the world.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The shortest distance </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">between two points</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">is a human</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">with the training wheels off.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The training wheels</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">in this diagram</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">are called time</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and also death.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A human needs time</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">and also death</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">like the three dimensional square</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(which is called a cube)</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">needs the points</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">to become the triangle</span></div>
<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">it always dreamed of. </span></span></b></blockquote>
</div>
The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-51284745926358585762013-03-14T08:00:00.002-07:002013-03-14T08:00:13.983-07:00Things I Owe You Posts About (And Am Cheating On Writing Posts About By Writing This Post)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
In the land of English Majors:<br />
1). I eat meat now. This was a careful, reasoned decision that had many steps and eventually just came down to "overall body-feeling-better-ness."<br />
2). I run in ZeroDrop shoes now. This was a careful, reasoned decision that had many steps and eventually just came down to "overall body-feeling-better-ness."<br />
3). I am working diligently on a novel. This was not a careful or reasoned decision. It is necessary. I am a <i>writer</i>, damn it, and I need to write stuff.<br />
4). New Tegan and Sara album <i>so good. </i>Listen to it forever.<br />
<br /></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/9e9NSMY8QiQ" width="560"></iframe></div>
The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-78810606251447097892013-02-24T16:16:00.002-08:002013-02-25T10:17:28.940-08:00Let's have some fun, this beat is sick.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Today, I had this revelation:<br />
"What the world needs is a supernova talented white female rapper."<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
It's entirely possible I've spent the entire afternoon researching white female rappers since then. Here's my knowledge, now, so you can also know what you've been missing, and what is still clearly missing. And then <span style="font-family: inherit;">you, too, will wonder: <i>Whatever happened to IcyBlu?</i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: inherit;"></span></i><br />
<a name='more'></a><i><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">We'll begin today, with Lady Gaga, because we all know that that's where I'm comfortable. Despite her solid seat as the new queen of pop (sorry, Madonna, but you got weird and sad with the veiny muscles and the fake British accent), Gaga does incorporate a lot of rap into her music, since 'rap' is defined by Wikipedia as, "spoken or chanted rhyming lyrics."</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Witness:</span></div>
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/1mB0tP1I-14" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
Okay, so this as a beginning point could be said to marginalize some serious rap/hip-hop/IE not pop-performance artists that are white, female, and making music today. It's the Age of the Internet, baby, and if you have a FlipCam, you can make a music video. I know this because I've listened to a lot of really shitty music videos today.<br />
<br />
But there have been some standouts. Gavlyn comes from a spoken word group called Organized Confusion, but she was signed to Broken Complex Records, and you should have a listen:<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/40GXWY_7mhk" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
Dev has a little more attention, but she sings her own choruses and thus could be taken for your more Gaga pop/rap fusion artist. I think this song is really funny and I like the fact that she seems totally aware that she's a skinny little white girl rapping, and has just decided she's going to do it anyways. She has another song called 'Booty Bounce' where she stands totally still for the whole video because the lyric is, 'Don't you want to see this booty bounce?' and presumably no one answered the question.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/jiFB_v7uHaY" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
And then there's Kreayshawn, who has gotten a little bit more attention. I'm less inclined towards her than Gavlyn and Dev, because a) autotune, and b) there's something painfully self-consciously Trying-Gaga/Trying-Hip-Hop about her. But if you look up white female rappers currently producing music, chances are you'll find her. So it would be incomplete not to list her here. I will almost never say this, but <i>you do not have to listen to or watch this video. It's not 'important.' And it might hurt you.</i><br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/LAOnMzNN1hU" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
So, that's the current FWR scene.<br />
<br />
Go back a few years, and you find Invincible. Well, you SHOULD find Invincible. Except <i>you fucking can't.</i> I have to link you to her Amazon mp3 album to get you a listen. She's legit and as far as I can tell, no one knows about her. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/ShapeShifters-Explicit/dp/B001B12XAC/ref=tmm_other_meta_binding_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1361750248&sr=1-1" target="_blank">This album is the only one and it was released in 2008.</a><br />
<i><br /></i>
<br />
Here she is, freestyling on a radio show. I mean, seriously:<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wff0bXqmGRU" width="560"></iframe>
<br />
So there's that, and you're welcome.<br />
<br />
THE HISTORY OF FWRs goes like this:<br />
<br />
In 1990, an album was released by a kid named Icy Blu.<br />
<br />
I do not know if she was actually a kid. She sounds like one, is why I'm calling her that. She has no wikipedia page. This is supposedly the first entire album released by a female, white rap artist. This is HISTORICAL SHIT.<br />
<br />
It's also kind of adorable:<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Vozle4hJB3I" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
I do not know what happened to Icy Blu. The album tanked. It surprises me that we still use the name 'Vanilla Ice' like he is/was a person, but Icy Blu has totally disappeared from the public consciousness. If anyone can find her, please leave it in the comments. I want to write her a letter and tell her that I don't care what other people think, I think she was significant.<br />
<br />
And then Carmen Electra.<br />
<br />
I'll just leave this here.<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/grYjJe5etOY" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-89561422908807950472013-01-21T11:21:00.001-08:002013-01-21T11:23:58.504-08:00The Logic of Walmart $5 4-Pack Movies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So I picked up this in the $5 at Walmart last night around midnight. (I <i>adore</i> Walmart at midnight. It's the perfect combination of seedy Walmart skulking mixed with seedy why-the-fuck-are-you-here-you-are-clearly-a-hooligan skulking.)<br />
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And I bought it for the sheer fact that it was the weirdest combination of movies I had ever seen. I needed to understand it, and I couldn't do that in the two minutes I could stand elbows deep in the $5 bin.<br />
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And after many hours of thought, I have figured out how this combo was decided.<br />
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1. Clearly, D.E.B.S. is the star of this show. It comes first, and also it occupies the prized position at the top of the case. So, we're meant to start with D.E.B.S., which if you're a lesbian you already know all about because <i>Jordana Brewster is a lesbian criminal mastermind and it's awesome</i> even though it's not exactly an Oscar contender.<br />
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D.E.B.S. is a movie about a group of 4 girls at an all-girls spy school, one of whom has a crisis of goody-two-shoesness when she falls in love with aforementioned Jordana Brewster Lesbian Criminal Mastermind. Chaos ensues. It's a spoof, and it also has Holland Taylor and Michael Clarke Duncan because, well, I don't know. I really like it but then I also really love <a href="http://runzombieschaseyou.blogspot.com/2012/03/review-mega-python-vs-gatoroid.html" target="_blank">Megapython vs Gatoroid</a>.<br />
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2. So then, the next movie is Charm School. Charm School is in Spanish, with English subs. It's about a group of girls at an all-girls charm school, hence the connection to D.E.B.S. I haven't watched it, but according to the imdb blurb about it, it also has one 'bad girl' who leads the rest of the group in a kind of awakening/rebellion.<br />
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3. So then you think, okay, it's a pack of movies about school girls in short skirts. That's a bit obvious but okay. Nay, nay my friends. Too obvious and yet at the same time not as obvious as the addition of Feel The Noise.<br />
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Feel The Noise is about a guy. Yes, a guy. (I know, I'm disappointed, too.) This rapper has to GTFO of the Bronx (it has to be the Bronx because JLo produced it and she's still Jenny From The Block) so he goes to Puerto Rico and discovered Reggaton in the process.<br />
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So how the fuck does this fit? <i>They speak Spanish in Puerto Rico, motherfuckers.</i> The curators of this collection have determined that if you made it through Charm School, then you're open to "other cultures" and have gotten used to hearing the Spanish language.<br />
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This movie is in English, though.<br />
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4. NOW for the pièce de résistance. S Club 7: Seeing Double. Otherwise known as 'possibly one of the worst movies ever made non-ironically that of course I adore anyways because S Club 7 was my childhood JO FOREVER.'<br />
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How can you fit this movie in with anything, ever? How can you compare it to any other movie without laughing maniacally? (My favorite thing to do in my head is imagining having an earnest conversation where I claim that it's, "Just like Gattaca!")<br />
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At this point in the continuum of tenuous and far-reaching connections, it's simple: it has music in it.<br />
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And that's how this collection came together. That's its entire purpose in life: to get Seeing Double into a 4-pack. Preferably a 4-pack with a cult classic lesbian movie because <i>Jo O'Meara is really super gay</i>.<br />
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-24337792548736510632012-12-26T10:28:00.000-08:002012-12-26T10:29:32.836-08:00How Every Second of RE:5 Could Have Been Better With Claire<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Well, that's a good question, Alice. Neither Redfield is in Resident Evil: Retribution. Personally, though I like Chris well enough, I was prepared for him to be gone. But Claire has, at this point, been in two consecutive RE movies, and an informal poll of no-seriously everyone I know says that she's a fan favorite. The Alice/Claire match-up is pretty much perfect.<br />
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So in this series of screencaps from RE: Retribution, I'm going to detail the many places where the movie would have been vastly improved by Claire's presence. I know what the title says, but taking a screencap of every second of the movie would have been excessive.<br />
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It will document almost the entire movie. Spoilers, in other words.<br />
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Skipping the requisite "It's an Alice clone" scene, where it wouldn't make sense for Claire to be because Alice-clones don't have a Claire (which is arguably why they're not as good), Alice escapes from her torture cell and stumbles upon this familiar Tokyo scene - we saw this, sans Alice, in a previous movie.<br />
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Alice stands around in the rain, staring in bewilderment at all the people. <i>Claire would not have been standing there like a derp</i>. Claire would have kept Alice moving and they would have been away from the crosswalk when the simulation started.<br />
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Here, Alice finds the control room, and sees the guns. She then throws her pistol away before she reaches the other guns. Claire would never take her hand off her weapon.<br />
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After we meet Ada Wong - more on that later - Wesker then confronts Alice via television. <i>Alice throws her knife at the television</i>, a totally futile action that leaves her unarmed. Claire would have a) already had most of those gun on her person somehow, and b) been like, "Dude, Alice, if you don't like this show we can turn it off."<br />
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<i>Luckily</i> Ada turns out to be an ally. With Claire, Alice doesn't need luck, because: Claire.<br />
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They have to walk through several simulations in order to reach the rendezvous point. Alice meets a familiar foe:<br />
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Actually, two of them. You will remember (because it was the best thing ever) that Claire and Alice killed one of these together in RE:4, in what was the action movie equivalent of a wedding. What is Ada's response to these monsters?<br />
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To totally separate herself from Alice and then scramble around like a pansy inside a bus. The monster is like, Hey, I have this giant can opener. Alice has to defeat the monsters basically by herself. Ada magically appears at the end of the fight like, "Oh, hey, I'm useful," but really she isn't at all.<br />
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In this simulation, where we watched Alice-clone earlier, Alice has seen motion in this house. So they go in to check it out. <i>Neither one of them has their weapon ready</i>. Claire would have been in full-on SWAT mode.<br />
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They find Becky (Alice-clone's Daughter-clone) and Ada argues with Alice about whether or not to take her with them. Claire would never have wasted time arguing this decision. Claire has experience rescuing civilians.<br />
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So Ada wastes time being heartless, and there's an ambush waiting for them outside. Ada then has to apparently sacrifice herself in order for Alice to escape with Becky. If Claire had been there instead of Ada, all three of them would have run out the back door to begin with and it wouldn't even be an issue.<br />
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Becky is Deaf. Alice inexplicably knows sign language. Here's the thing: if it had been Claire who knew sign language, I totally would have bought it. Claire has useful skills and a past in the real, human world. Alice is, at this point, possibly a second or third generation clone with some kind of memory transfer from the original Umbrella Head of Security Alice (question not answered: is there even an original Alice, or were they all made by Umbrella? What about Rain, Oliveras, etc?). Alice has no reason to have learned sign language before now. Maybe Claire had a Deaf best friend in college or something.<br />
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So then they meet Rain-clone (the good one) - actually Alice-clone and Becky interacted with her earlier, but OUR Alice meets her for the first time. I feel these next three images speak for themselves:<br />
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There is just no possible way Claire would be that ridiculous. <i>THERE ARE ZOMBIES, RAIN. GUN CONTROL MEANS NOT EVER PUTTING YOUR GUN DOWN.</i><br />
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So Alice has to leave Becky in the hands of this nincompoop, and go and get the rest of the good guys, who are bogged down in a Moscow simulation. Alice drives up in a car, smashes a giant licker, and then <i>actually has to tell them to get in the car.</i><br />
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Claire would already have had her seatbelt fastened.<br />
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Then as they're escaping, being pursued by more Las Plagas zombies, Alice actually has to ask the dudes in the back seat to start shooting the zombies.<br />
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No, seriously. Look:<br />
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Alice is surrounded by incompetence.<br />
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Somehow, Rain-clone manages to hide successfully with Becky, and they all proceed towards escaping. Rain-clone carries her machine gun like it's a handbag.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH_B7Ng4aTbmQJCB724y9t4Y1B6Q7QTe-ADylFWa2ikQ5v5PU9_yT_sQ8V1jjIbYvpK9ycgtD91SSMoYHXGru9t2JnvKhfe572zihQS0-7L8esI3kAoszL6Ciy5JiqmXLLfwKCIxoGtxU/s1600/guncontrol.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH_B7Ng4aTbmQJCB724y9t4Y1B6Q7QTe-ADylFWa2ikQ5v5PU9_yT_sQ8V1jjIbYvpK9ycgtD91SSMoYHXGru9t2JnvKhfe572zihQS0-7L8esI3kAoszL6Ciy5JiqmXLLfwKCIxoGtxU/s320/guncontrol.png" width="320" /></a></div>
And then when they're all clearly bracing themselves for some kind of shit to go down, Rain-clone lets this happen to Becky:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqbmxYVXgQMQZN95FeEFpnYOGR_IX-2IbVVlG7K3hE5ERWEyhi4z1DLFb07taQxkdmZ4JAe14ki2d79ecfHUkIIid7rTtsNSxtG0jTeJvAJumi7MawOD2TXs3RNYjEfxkRNGmckyd1kRg/s1600/beckystolen.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqbmxYVXgQMQZN95FeEFpnYOGR_IX-2IbVVlG7K3hE5ERWEyhi4z1DLFb07taQxkdmZ4JAe14ki2d79ecfHUkIIid7rTtsNSxtG0jTeJvAJumi7MawOD2TXs3RNYjEfxkRNGmckyd1kRg/s320/beckystolen.png" width="320" /></a></div>
Which, I mean I can't say for sure, but <i>I'm pretty sure Claire would have at least moved them both to the side so they weren't such a massive, delicious looking target.</i><br />
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So then, ostensibly of shame, Rain-clone dies in easily the most pathetic way possible, by being swatted like a bug and hitting the column in such a way that her neck breaks. Claire would never die like that. Ever.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLnqNp_5eyrfnlfkylIEyk_MJtJylcyQ0VzzxE3uoEsSQB3RXqbeeoFODS261THWP84YDKE4bfP_EqIJetUDe1aC7q65iEOAOXeZEEUhl6O2pGGmsvTtzSevCQeM2V_HufIkoC4Q-Pvg0/s1600/lamedeath.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLnqNp_5eyrfnlfkylIEyk_MJtJylcyQ0VzzxE3uoEsSQB3RXqbeeoFODS261THWP84YDKE4bfP_EqIJetUDe1aC7q65iEOAOXeZEEUhl6O2pGGmsvTtzSevCQeM2V_HufIkoC4Q-Pvg0/s320/lamedeath.png" width="320" /></a></div>
Alice is also not very sad when Luther tells her Rain-clone is dead. I believe this to be because she can't believe how pathetic it is, either.<br />
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So then Alice has to go and get Becky, because Rain-clone lost her, which as mentioned would not have happened if Claire was there instead. And I was so upset by all the lack of Claire that I neglected to take screencaps of the final fight scene showdown, except for this before scene, where Alice is taking a nap. Claire would never have allowed them to relax:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoayNl3cH81pmtP-7-Y0Q4kmldX2u4ypSMNZg07pzFIfpF00HDDY2ar8GK10p9sdiMUB-rKOO8f3huMqL-X0G9ZkY7d9-MPNm1SJh9w3SJt5SFAt-3cDCNBKFO90o9HuA-vHmxsyl6ap4/s1600/naptime.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoayNl3cH81pmtP-7-Y0Q4kmldX2u4ypSMNZg07pzFIfpF00HDDY2ar8GK10p9sdiMUB-rKOO8f3huMqL-X0G9ZkY7d9-MPNm1SJh9w3SJt5SFAt-3cDCNBKFO90o9HuA-vHmxsyl6ap4/s320/naptime.png" width="320" /></a></div>
So then they get Jill Valentine back, which is AWESOME, except she's not Claire and she lets Wesker separate them from each other so he can reinfect Alice.<br />
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Personally, I never bought that Alice was totally uninfected, because she's a little too awesome for a human, but Claire would totally have been shooting that whole place up the second they were like, "Nope, sorry, <i>only Alice can come into this room with a person who has totally tried to kill her before.</i>"<br />
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All I can say is that RE:6 had better have Claire back.</div>
The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-16067824529261398222012-12-23T13:45:00.003-08:002012-12-23T13:45:38.137-08:00Ho ho ho, motherfuckers.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Predictably, I'm sick the day before Christmas Eve. It happens without fail; the day before a major holiday, I come down with something, and I spend the whole day drinking tea and sulking about being sick, and then I wake up the next day better. I think maybe my body is the Grinch but my brain is Cindy-Loo Who, who is no more than two.<br />
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(Which is just weird because, really, a two year old isn't quite as cogent as Cindy-Loo. I would have guessed her at four, maybe five without the rhyme.)<br />
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Anyways, Merry Christmas, everyone. It's doubtful I'll have anything brilliant to say between then and now, and I'm slightly delirious now, so might as well channel the Dayquil into holiday cheer.<br />
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I've had a Christmas photoshoot for your enjoyment. Well, really for my enjoyment. I love this hat and I only get to wear it for about 2 weeks every year.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbNj4lHx7-YUnbburQukEjVADrAkhl1odEdENq4CrBFw2uEC6PZHlEPFt4CX8GEtiR9Ryb0SfgHklR-dFq3r8d6IYFXtbPfR84UetcmxQQHrx43O3iUBZ-xM_eBp2jvQk5e334WMGfcso/s1600/withglitter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbNj4lHx7-YUnbburQukEjVADrAkhl1odEdENq4CrBFw2uEC6PZHlEPFt4CX8GEtiR9Ryb0SfgHklR-dFq3r8d6IYFXtbPfR84UetcmxQQHrx43O3iUBZ-xM_eBp2jvQk5e334WMGfcso/s320/withglitter.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Look, there's even glitter. I have cheer, I do.</div>
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Also I am not looking at the camera here because I am seriously admiring this kid's beglittered ornament, which is about a million times better than what I could come up with. He had, like, <i>dimensions</i> of glitter on those Popsicle sticks. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHbMoven7jvkD_KC2GbuanMKux9QQLeA_thyCky3386ZGORCAkJk7Bgm2pohRnZsfrIj9SYCtNSh3FFDvffbKK-W6Vmw6iogb4pbKUz7YO2iiC37c4ZMDKYk4KFXQYCFI93Xx2AfpowF8/s1600/withmax.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHbMoven7jvkD_KC2GbuanMKux9QQLeA_thyCky3386ZGORCAkJk7Bgm2pohRnZsfrIj9SYCtNSh3FFDvffbKK-W6Vmw6iogb4pbKUz7YO2iiC37c4ZMDKYk4KFXQYCFI93Xx2AfpowF8/s320/withmax.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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Of course I have a Max. And of course I take pictures with him that make my nose look very large. </div>
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<i>It's Christmas you aren't allowed to make judgments about how attractive I am. Everyone is beautiful at Christmas, motherfucker!</i></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSqPMlBqjNTEuDsTPMmEphyphenhyphenPxsHwgIV0hcFApTgqaX4mKKymC4nnfB-4QRIlcEZEyGLjmb1_mPkX-EM3zjCmkG8Imdx0_u70TbHzh3ii8JioduatSsBOEX8D2Er_xarEwL343SCyehrEI/s1600/IMG956540.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSqPMlBqjNTEuDsTPMmEphyphenhyphenPxsHwgIV0hcFApTgqaX4mKKymC4nnfB-4QRIlcEZEyGLjmb1_mPkX-EM3zjCmkG8Imdx0_u70TbHzh3ii8JioduatSsBOEX8D2Er_xarEwL343SCyehrEI/s320/IMG956540.jpg" width="221" /></a></div>
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<i>With full awareness that this picture is terrible.</i></div>
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No one believed me that I did something Christmasy. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT I LOVE CHRISTMAS?! It's because I'm not a Christian, right? Well, if you think Christmas has anything to do with religion, you're not paying attention.</div>
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ALSO: Yes, I know the SalvArm is terrible to gay people. I did this anyways because a) my friend asked me to stand with her and b) excluding gay people doesn't mean that the straight people they <i>do</i> help don't need help. HUGS NOT HATES, people. </div>
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Well, you know. Monetary hugs. I don't actually want to hug any of them. Ew.</div>
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-63906083452640776432012-12-16T23:08:00.000-08:002012-12-16T23:12:17.059-08:002AM is bad for me.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I have this really terrible idea for a mockumentary style reality show. I want to call it something like, "Demure 'N In," or, "Housewives of Moderate Means." And I want it to be about <i>nice</i> women, who are just honest and sweet all the time. But it would have to be shot and edited as if everything was a big deal.<br />
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You could have dramatic confrontations like:<br />
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"Oh, Rachel! I didn't know you were bringing a guest. You didn't mention her on your RSVP, but of course she's welcome. Both of you come inside."<br />
"Mary-Claire, this is my sister Rose. I'm sorry I didn't know she was going to be in town or else I would have included her on the RSVP. I brought extra cheese straws and a veggie dip."<br />
"Rose, it's so nice to meet you! Please come in. I've heard so much about you, I'd have been mad if Rachel <i>didn't</i> bring you along. There's coffee in the dining room and everyone is socializing on the patio so we can keep an eye on the children as they frolic."</blockquote>
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<br />
Or:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Stan and I are getting a divorce."<br />
"Oh, dear, what happened?"<br />
"Nothing, really. We've been together since we were in high school and we've realized that we grew apart as people, and we've really been more like friends for the past few years anyways. We're dividing the assets equally and the kids understand."</blockquote>
Or:<br />
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"Hey, Rose, what do you think of my new haircut?"<br />"I love it! It makes you look younger."<br />"So you're saying I looked old before? ... (chuckle) I'm <i>kidding</i>, dear. I really like these highlights, too. I went to Annie, at the Great Clips on Lawndale, if you're interested."</blockquote>
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<br />
And you could put all of this to really super-dramatic music, and every now and then play a track of that sound people in clubs make right when there's a fight breaking out while Rachel and Mary-Claire are sitting on the patio drinking coffee.<br />
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-7489475040853550742012-11-29T06:01:00.001-08:002012-11-29T08:18:36.014-08:00The ribbon dancing is a metaphor.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This is a pictoral 'essay' through which I am going to provide evidence and commentary for my theory that the Disney film, Cadet Kelly, is really about being a lesbian in military school. </div>
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Cadet Kelly stars Hillary Duff and Christi Carlson Romano, and tells the story of Kelly (Duff) who has been raised as a free-loving artist in NYC. Her mother marries a military man, who then takes a job as the commandant of a military academy. Due to the fact that they have to move out into the country, where the school is, Kelly has no choice but to attend the academy.</div>
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The very first trouble she gets into is over a rainbow <strike>flag </strike>blanket which she really, really wants on her bed in the barracks. Her platoon leader, Capt. Jennifer Stone, picks it up and looks at it like it's the embodiement of everything she loathes <strike>about herself</strike>:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0kzBJIYItEO9uBnC3xlAr79QNVm02v7RcGCng0oKyIaQOrT5ZHWdnRoIE0_FADABjqHRKpAiQo_MLyrlH8Ulp1rw4tUXjGwMZHRIXTKNO_twaj5NwUPUktNrFQcV1EwzYvmke6Rti-Kw/s1600/cadet_kelly1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0kzBJIYItEO9uBnC3xlAr79QNVm02v7RcGCng0oKyIaQOrT5ZHWdnRoIE0_FADABjqHRKpAiQo_MLyrlH8Ulp1rw4tUXjGwMZHRIXTKNO_twaj5NwUPUktNrFQcV1EwzYvmke6Rti-Kw/s320/cadet_kelly1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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PT at this school involves a lot of making the cadets crawl around in the mud. Capt. Jennifer Stone enjoys her job:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjhV_sHN7iRzqpIOg9-RTg84fxNVvcHpTUFO2yt_SLANIx4VW3STKRC49DjPtB8ypCJ8lxxecBbLzQ9n2TvLINxxRe090Dim3OtD_pB8CoP6XwHUtqnYoZ2DBimusoN0O6KLsPRmn0Ma8/s1600/cadet_kelly2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjhV_sHN7iRzqpIOg9-RTg84fxNVvcHpTUFO2yt_SLANIx4VW3STKRC49DjPtB8ypCJ8lxxecBbLzQ9n2TvLINxxRe090Dim3OtD_pB8CoP6XwHUtqnYoZ2DBimusoN0O6KLsPRmn0Ma8/s320/cadet_kelly2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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She gleefully makes Kelly crawl through <i>extra</i> mud, in the rain, so that Kelly won't show up to the dance. But Kelly does anyways, because she is determined to dance with the Capt:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQT5II5h9cGueM5KwiiTOD5dmyV-F_5ADHdsd5Sb1SfLJ33jXEINh42OAPKtxf648qWsn5Rl5BzlqjKZiV_74jdhCLUWSkc6dEKP7y4YIf_aR9wzIQr_jcbPDyZX6JOF6gMk6Titlpq7Q/s1600/cadet_kelly3.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQT5II5h9cGueM5KwiiTOD5dmyV-F_5ADHdsd5Sb1SfLJ33jXEINh42OAPKtxf648qWsn5Rl5BzlqjKZiV_74jdhCLUWSkc6dEKP7y4YIf_aR9wzIQr_jcbPDyZX6JOF6gMk6Titlpq7Q/s320/cadet_kelly3.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Everyone see this, and the Capt. is shocked and embarassed:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_rNfbu5WIicbbzGW3v-2r1HX-a6v7obLPHPXzul4-k04Z67DWAyVTZii0NBeBdbqhNCcTEIEYFo2lR41IE4muYPuYQIlHIUmWfMXtrCnoZg6LawIz2FSG8BMAkezoqyXDWaGtE8Btcmg/s1600/cadet_kelly4.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="208" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_rNfbu5WIicbbzGW3v-2r1HX-a6v7obLPHPXzul4-k04Z67DWAyVTZii0NBeBdbqhNCcTEIEYFo2lR41IE4muYPuYQIlHIUmWfMXtrCnoZg6LawIz2FSG8BMAkezoqyXDWaGtE8Btcmg/s320/cadet_kelly4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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She responds by not only yelling at Kelly for her pride blanket, but ripping it up:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd3iMIp66wpsZQcC68Z7z80VE3ONgrCs3Nrl0qVBSE5NtfqKgW5ORAiET0hySXPC9Y48yPtakIGIWtrixmGvm_iJ-3rLgTy2XgMETQtMqzRBaqrcf4qdWDU6y2mk7RjYKF71QFsONzw0I/s1600/cadet_kelly6.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd3iMIp66wpsZQcC68Z7z80VE3ONgrCs3Nrl0qVBSE5NtfqKgW5ORAiET0hySXPC9Y48yPtakIGIWtrixmGvm_iJ-3rLgTy2XgMETQtMqzRBaqrcf4qdWDU6y2mk7RjYKF71QFsONzw0I/s320/cadet_kelly6.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Kelly lies in bed, staring at the torn pieces of her pride:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUtvlfTZ5jLoAEVZ5dnqxhJKcFAhpgR78L0urDN8SC-qN2aojf6UbJkaljcKwJBAqS5uYFgGBcYguG2FNedzVd_gVjL_FD5tiduN2wq7so6A-CdM7PPWgf3syHkM9DoHiQdZ1Y9SeG3fE/s1600/cadet_kelly7.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="141" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUtvlfTZ5jLoAEVZ5dnqxhJKcFAhpgR78L0urDN8SC-qN2aojf6UbJkaljcKwJBAqS5uYFgGBcYguG2FNedzVd_gVjL_FD5tiduN2wq7so6A-CdM7PPWgf3syHkM9DoHiQdZ1Y9SeG3fE/s320/cadet_kelly7.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Her only recourse is to sneak into Capt. Jennifer Stone's room, in the dark, at night, <i>wearing this expression on her face</i>:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdMjOS4PSiSA5XkO7Ndf3H-JZDiDBkLr4_vfF57fcRixzmznJjBxiHvLzgt_ODLIcQJsgIitx436Bk_ptg4dQe7ChAXryulRwXFVlzwcCy_jrq5geJGyMGvL5xwDNurTBITLFJnbV6l3E/s1600/cadet_kelly8.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgdMjOS4PSiSA5XkO7Ndf3H-JZDiDBkLr4_vfF57fcRixzmznJjBxiHvLzgt_ODLIcQJsgIitx436Bk_ptg4dQe7ChAXryulRwXFVlzwcCy_jrq5geJGyMGvL5xwDNurTBITLFJnbV6l3E/s320/cadet_kelly8.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
She "paints Jennifer Stone's hair rainbow." This movie takes metaphors extremely literally:</div>
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Capt. Jennifer Stone wants to have a word with her about this:</div>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhblRPVbsRoN1DaZm-Ue0GuhUrJlO0Z9I-fPdHtOSjstVu8OW_zANWZYz3MZNbZrEhIrd7-stpU-oq0wMyXib68vt6Vc5tzNz_BBkWvXKalQ_XHIZZBH0V3GnSdCita5L0uMEkhp5ehLPE/s1600/cadet_kelly10.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="202" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhblRPVbsRoN1DaZm-Ue0GuhUrJlO0Z9I-fPdHtOSjstVu8OW_zANWZYz3MZNbZrEhIrd7-stpU-oq0wMyXib68vt6Vc5tzNz_BBkWvXKalQ_XHIZZBH0V3GnSdCita5L0uMEkhp5ehLPE/s320/cadet_kelly10.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
Kelly is court-martialed, and there is a tense, illogical moment while Capt. Stone is trying to keep it together and read the charges where the judge repeatedly orders her to remove her hat and show her <strike>gay </strike>hair. <i>That's asking, sir:</i><br />
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Kelly is devastated by the court-martial and thinks in an interior monologue that military school probably isn't for her. Unspoken is her upset at outing Capt. Stone:</div>
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Her punishment is to shine and polish the drill team's gear. The drill team is cheerleaders with rifles. Kelly called them robots earlier, and thinks this is a terrible punishment, until she is watching them practice one day, and suddenly she realizes it's really cool and beautiful, and she gets this expression on her face:</div>
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What is she looking at, you might ask? Well, immediately after the finger biting, the camera cuts over to:</div>
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And then this happens:</div>
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Kelly is the equipment manager, and she now has incentive to be the best equipment manager possible, because sometimes that means helping Capt. Stone get dressed:</div>
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But it's not enough. Kelly realizes that in order to gain the respect of Capt. Stone, she must join the drill team. So she asks Gloria to help her. Gloria shows her how to handle her weapon:</div>
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Kelly's hard work eventually leads to her making the drill team, and then she has a confrontation with Capt. Stone in a field:</div>
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Kelly gives Capt Stone a clearly smitten glance, and Capt Stone is clearly uncomfortable about it:</div>
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They wind up dancing together, and while it <i>looks</i> like weird military step dancing, they make eye contact and, no shit, <i>do not break eye contact for the entire dance sequence. </i>It's really intense:</div>
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Gloria, watching them, gets this look on her face, because she is a romantic:</div>
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So then the drill team captain, Brad, says that they have to dance together for the competition, because they have "fire and passion." No really, it's what he says.<br />
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There are a couple of adorable locker room scenes, culminating in this one, where Capt. Stone accuses her of doing all of this for Brad, and Kelly says, "Ma'am, no ma'am. YOU are my partner... and commanding officer. I work with YOU."</div>
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At the competition, Gloria once again voices her support of their relationship:</div>
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And they dance together in front of several military schools and parents:</div>
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Jennifer Stone starts to look happy for the first time:</div>
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Kelly is already unbelievably ecstatic:</div>
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At one point in the routine, they start ribbon-dancing. The crowd is like, "Wait, what? This is military step-dancing." But we understand that <i>ribbon dancing is a euphemism:</i></div>
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They get a standing ovation, and Jennifer Stone cannot contain her happiness:</div>
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Kelly wins:<br />
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Capt. Stone salutes her:</div>
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And Kelly is all, psh, no, I'm hugging you in front of everyone:</div>
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We all know that "knocks her hat askew" is another euphemism:</div>
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And then in the final moments, Capt. Stone reveals that her father has been transferred to Europe, so she's moving. To Europe. Look at their faces (I included a thumbnail of Kelly's face.) <i>Have you ever seen two people look more devastated?</i></div>
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-38717882849719071292012-11-26T08:38:00.000-08:002012-11-26T08:38:04.640-08:00Finally, a post that actually talks about zombies.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">I got to write this <i>for a grade</i>. I've changed some things for the final turn-in copy, obviously. Also, THIS PAPER DISCUSSES THE ENDINGS OF BOTH MOVIES. If you have not seen them, prepare for spoilers. Deal with it and see the movies anyways.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">Here goes.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;"> </span><i><span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></i></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">28 Days/Weeks Later: </span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The 2-Part Formula To Make Effective Zombie
Movies </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt;">For People Who Don’t Like Zombie Movies</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
<br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Especially considering the fact that it was a
zombie movie, which fits it into a specific niche genre that does not
traditionally appeal to mainstream audiences, the commercial success of 2002’s <i>28
Days Later</i> was revolutionary. Even with a limited release, it grossed
$45million in the United States, and $82.7million worldwide. <i>Stylus </i>magazine
named it the second best zombie movie of all time, beaten only by the seminal
1976 Romero film, <i>Dawn of the Dead</i>, which essentially created the genre,
and RottenTomatoes.com gives it an unheard of 88% approval rating.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br />
</span><span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> <i>28 Days Later</i> was directed by Danny
Boyle, known at that time for <i>Trainspotting</i> but since then for winning
Best Director at the 2009 Academy Awards for his subsequent film, <i>Slumdog
Millionaire</i>; neither of those films were specifically genre films the way
that <i>28 Days Later</i> was. The fact that Boyle does not specifically direct
‘zombie horror’ films greatly influenced the way he approached <i>28 Days Later</i>
and his vision enabled the film to explode into mainstream culture. Today,
zombies are a huge part of pop culture, and many point to <i>28 Days Later</i>
as the film which started it all. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Given the huge commercial success of the film, it seemed
inevitable that the studios would want to make a sequel. The risk of making a
sequel to a hit movie is always the risk that the fans of the first one will
reject the second one as ‘not as good’ or somehow lacking. Boyle had made a
previous commitment to a science fiction movie, 2007’s <i>Sunshine</i>, but he
supported the project and was eventually listed as an executive producer. <i>28
Weeks Later</i>, directed by relative newcomer Juan Carlos Fresnadillo, was
released in 2007, to mixed but generally positive reviews, and it grossed
nearly $64.2million worldwide. It is considered a solid zombie movie, if not
quite on par with its progenitor. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When examining the two films, some similarities in both plot and
device can be identified. Both can be divided into two distinct parts, which
for the purposes of this paper will be labeled as “Aftermath” and “Shit Hits
The Fan” or “S.H.T.F.” These two parts have very distinct artistic styles and
thus are clearly intentionally split.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Neither film lingers on the event itself, instead using an
establishing scene to show what happened. These scenes feature characters and
events that occur long before the movies themselves begin, and are like small,
rapid, and extremely violent movies in themselves. They end abruptly, with most
or all of the characters dead, and lead into a montage of newsreels and images
that tell the viewer what essentially happens as the world ends. The movies
themselves <i>begin</i> in the Aftermath.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Aftermath is, in both films, characterized by use of crane shots,
extreme long shots, and high angle shots over empty city and landscapes in
order to establish how quiet it is now that humans are gone. There is very
little sound or movement, and the music used is quiet and instrumental. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In <i>28 Days Later</i>, the main character, Jim (Cillian Murphy),
wakes up naked in a dead quiet hospital room. He has no idea what has happened,
and that’s a good thing, because really, neither does the audience. Having a
character awaken from a coma after the end of an event is a fairly common
trope, and it is particularly effective here because Jim, in his innocence,
wanders aimlessly through the empty streets of London. He is seen to be the
only <i>moving</i> being in the city, and viewers very nearly forget that there
are supposed to be zombies. It is peaceful and serene, and Jim seems to follow
the soundtrack’s use of Christian hymns directly into a church, where he sees
and runs from his first zombies, is saved by the characters who do know what’s
going on, and properly enters the story.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">28 Weeks Later</span></i><span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">, after its own establishing scene and montage,
focuses on siblings Tammy and Andy as they are admitted to the U.S. Army
protected Safe Zone on the Isle of Dogs, among the first Brits readmitted to
their now (presumably) infected-free country, having been safely in Spain
during the initial outbreak. They watch soldiers cleaning up the city, and are
told repeatedly that there is no danger of infection. So when 12-year-old Andy
becomes afraid that he will forget what their mother looked like, and begs his
older sister to come with him to their home in London proper, she agrees. After
a slightly traumatic experience with a truly dead person (not a zombie, just a
corpse), Tammy acquires the keys to a moped and the children peacefully
traverse the same deserted city Jim did twenty-eight weeks before. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The purpose of Aftermath, as established by Boyle and imitated by
Fresnadillo, is to break the viewer away from the notion of the zombie movie.
You may have come to the theater for a formulaic zombie horror film, <i>but
there are no zombies</i>. This intentional shearing away from the genre both
ensnares the viewer and heightens the tension. You are glued to the screen,
waiting for the shit to hit the fan. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The second part of the <i>28</i> formula, S.H.T.F, is dramatically
different. The lighting and camera choices change - the lightning becomes
starker, at times nearly black and white, and the camera angles become closer,
lower, and tighter. The moments of highest tension make use of ‘naturally’
occurring weird lighting situations. When Jim is forced to storm a military
compound in order to rescue his two surviving travelling companions, he does so
during a raging thunderstorm, and the lightning flashes, timed with music,
rapidly reveal and obscure the action. The most terrifying part of <i>28 Weeks
Later</i> is filmed entirely through the night scope of a rifle, wielded by the
‘Good Doctor’ trope of Scarlet (Rose Byrne), as she and the siblings have been
forced to travel through a subway tunnel that completely lacks light. Both
devices enable the directors to kick the tension into high gear without making
it seem forced or fake. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The second, equally distinct feature of S.H.T.F. is that the enemy
is <i>still</i> not the zombies, even though now there are plenty of them. The
most dangerous enemies are other humans; even more specifically, the military.
Though Jim’s enemies are deranged British SAS soldiers, and Tammy and Andy’s
enemies are perfectly sane, if seemingly misguided, American soldiers, both
pose a greater and more frightening threat to the innocent civilian heroes. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This two-part formula, as invented by Danny Boyle, fundamentally
shifts the focus of the zombie genre away from the zombies themselves, and onto
the surviving human race’s reaction to them. Zombies are one dimensional,
predictable enemies, the walking dead whose only goal is to destroy the living,
but humans operating in a post-apocalyptic world are seen to respond in varying
and nuanced ways. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If both films follow this formula so faithfully, then why was <i>28
Weeks Later</i> not the same outrageous, mainstream success as <i>28 Days Later</i>?
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fresnadillo made two distinct changes to the formula, and these
changes work to alter the effect just enough to disconcert the audience and
create a less satisfactory movie. First, and most importantly, the establishing
scene is intimately connected with the rest of the plot. Tammy and Andy’s
parents feature in it, and it ends with their father (Robert Carlyle) escaping,
in order to meet up with them later, still a living human, on the Isle of Dogs.
The events which take place in it are vitally important to the main story arc.
The establishing scene of <i>28 Days Later</i>, even though it shows how the
entire outbreak started, is not necessary for Jim’s story and all the
characters featured in it die immediately. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Much of the dramatic tension of the Aftermath - the question of
‘What’s going on and when is it going to hit the fan?’ - in <i>28 Weeks Later</i>
is mitigated by the fact that the audience at least suspects what’s going to
happen. The tipping point has everything to do with the events of the
establishing scene, and the fact that the father lied about his role in the
supposed death of their mother. When the mother is revealed to be alive, the
father scrambles to fix his actions by apologizing to his wife, and thus
exposes himself to the virus and makes himself the vehicle of Rage - the <i>28</i>
universe’s term for zombie infection - for the rest of the movie.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This is the second, critical break in Boyle’s formula. The father,
while being a zombie, is a persistent and distinct enemy who follows his
children all the way until nearly the end of the movie. While some of the
zombies in <i>28 Days</i> are recognizable and/or previously human characters,
they are dealt with immediately and not seen again once the humans move on.
Given that the zombies are portrayed as mindless killing machines, devoid of
all the characteristics that would make them the person they used to be, the
father’s persistence is completely illogical. The children, by the final scene,
have travelled several miles and used several forms of transportation that a
zombie could not have stumbled blindly behind. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Making a zombie a real villain also distracts from the other, more
serious enemies, the soldiers which are still pursuing them under the orders of
the Code Red lockdown, which means that there can be no survivors on the chance
that one of them might be exposed. This turns out to be an extremely logical
order, as the crux of the movie is that Andy and his mother share a genetic
trait which makes them asymptomatic but highly infectious carriers of the Rage
virus. Andy becomes infected, but as he displays no symptoms, he is taken from
the natural quarantine of the island and airlifted to France. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">In the end, this sequel is unsatisfactory because <i>the heroes
are doing the wrong things</i>. This happens consistently and is infuriating in
a way that prevents the audience from fully connecting with the characters.
Andy and Tammy make the wrong decision when they sneak out of the Safe Zone to
retrieve the picture; their father makes the wrong decision when he uses his
janitorial override card to sneak into the medical quarantine to see his wife;
Scarlet makes the wrong decision when she chooses not to tell Tammy and Andy
that she believes that they could become uninfected carriers. All of these
wrong decisions lead to the final moment, when Andy is bitten by his infected
father, and since he displays no symptoms, he and Tammy believe he is
uninfected and safe. By making a movie where the audience is constantly angry
at the main characters, and then showing that in the end, their anger is
justified because the infection does spread to mainland Europe and presumably
then the entire world, it is impossible to really enjoy the film. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Droid Serif","serif"; font-size: 11.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Viewers need closure and Fresnadillo does not give it to them,
instead showing an enigmatic shot of the empty helicopter we last saw Tammy and
Andy in, accompanied by the sound of the world ending over the radio. <i>28
Days Later</i> ends in a pastoral aftermath, with Jim awakening to their
pending rescue. Ending the movie in this second Aftermath does not prevent the
studio from creating a sequel, as demonstrated, and having <i>28 Weeks Later</i>
end without leaving S.H.T.F. means that the mainstream audience is less likely
to enjoy their experience. People who don’t like zombie movies are not the kind
of people who want to leave the theater still worrying about the zombies. <i>28
Days Later </i>is a dramatic, well-crafted interlude into a genre that
traditionally only appeals to a niche audience, and the reason it enjoyed so
much success was that it allowed mainstream viewers to dip their toes into the
genre, and then yank them out before the zombies bite them.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #eeeeee;">
<br /></div>
</div>
The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-43332440315203707382012-11-09T15:32:00.001-08:002012-11-10T15:33:02.598-08:00Quick to the point, to the point, no fakin'.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
First: I discovered the other day that I inexplicably know the words to Ice, Ice Baby. I do not know for what purpose I stored this knowledge, but there it is.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Second: I drive a really quite old car, and my radio broke. I was bored driving home from work.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyxIZlil_Dk2M3EeZDWUz27fv9BuRDjT0wDcO8yRdZKoCwe3j3Se2tI0_wJH2qLA8P7rYTFQXdtypsXn-31bA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />
Third: I am not ashamed.</div>
The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-66095560752358728142012-11-09T13:57:00.000-08:002012-11-09T13:57:48.084-08:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Today I'm reading "The Art of Speech and the Art of Silence," a medieval text concerning rhetoric by Albertano of Brescia. <a href="http://freespace.virgin.net/angus.graham/Loq-Engl.htm" target="_blank">It is available here</a>, because after this you might just want to read it, too.<br />
<br />
It's this really weird combination of actually quite good advice, and then some strange advice, but what strikes me is a lot of these things are, sometimes word for word, things said today. Here are (so far) my favorite quotes:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span lang="EN-US" style="layout-grid-mode: line;">When you wish
to speak, dearest son, you should begin in the manner of the cock, which,
before it crows, beats itself with its wings three times.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US" style="layout-grid-mode: line;">What does not
concern you, does not hurt you. If you
do not trouble yourself with things that do not trouble you, you will bring
much peace to your heart and soul. This verse says it well: He brings peace to
many who takes interest in few.</span></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span lang="EN-US" style="layout-grid-mode: line;">Examine
yourself and consider if what you say is spoken with a clear understanding or
out of ignorance. If you do not know what you are talking about, then do not
talk as though you do.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span lang="EN-US" style="layout-grid-mode: line;">Silence hurts no one; speech often may. Words are like arrows:
easy to shoot off, hard to retrieve.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span lang="EN-US" style="layout-grid-mode: line;">Better to be mute than to say things nobody understands.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span lang="EN-US" style="layout-grid-mode: line;">Watch
everything you say and do. Many who seem friendly are in fact not. All
strangers can prove hostile.</span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span lang="EN-US" style="layout-grid-mode: line;">Talking intelligently to a fool is like talking to a sleeping
man; when your speech is over, he will say, ‘What is going on?’</span></blockquote>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div class="MsoNormal">
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</blockquote>
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-45656471240710685192012-11-08T14:07:00.000-08:002012-11-08T14:07:02.190-08:00Venn Diagrams have authority.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I keep ducking politics, and they keep throwing themselves at me. When will everything chill out and everyone just remember that, seriously? We all should be focusing on real stuff that is actually personally affecting us, like <i>I'm out of pinyon coffee and I can't go to Trader Joe's to get more for, like, days.</i><br />
<br />
In all seriousness, everyone, stop gloating, stop pouting, think about how narwhals are the unicorns of the sea and that makes whales the horses of the sea and dolphins, like, the ponies of the sea, and killer whales are actually dolphins, not whales, and actually dolphins and whales aren't related at all, unlike horses and ponies, which are. And also narwhals ARE really whales, because I had to look it up to make sure.<br />
<br />
The Venn diagram for all of this looks like this:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_XTCA8tWiTDOcxJTxFSJKm59qE_Di9XXMiWiTBCB_21YRrBtuD_50hwwXOQccROkKx47TNa9ENHYVwSXqeukmDO6WBb7tBSeH__4SlsOpdVbds107pZBtT8aKE3L9NPUvsJbVFzca4Ww/s1600/narwhal.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="260" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_XTCA8tWiTDOcxJTxFSJKm59qE_Di9XXMiWiTBCB_21YRrBtuD_50hwwXOQccROkKx47TNa9ENHYVwSXqeukmDO6WBb7tBSeH__4SlsOpdVbds107pZBtT8aKE3L9NPUvsJbVFzca4Ww/s320/narwhal.bmp" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<i>True.</i><br />
</div>
The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-26141220211703121792012-11-07T09:47:00.003-08:002012-11-07T10:01:20.814-08:00Obligatory Political Post (But With A Point!)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I've been pretty mum in my celebrations this morning, despite the fact that I'm Very Happy, because honestly I think that gloating is tawdry, and I have friends who are not Very Happy. My friendship with them has already been stretched enough over this.<br />
<br />
But I do have a few cents to drop into what I think this all means. This is rose-colored and politically unsavvy, because I am both of those things, but what I think Republicans should take away from this loss is this: <i>extreme social conservatism is not a good thing.</i><br />
<br />
I honestly think that if Romney had run as a moderate from the beginning, he would have won. Polls show that on economic issues, policy issues, basically anything that didn't have to do with human rights, Romney was the clear choice of lots of people. The Republican Party, though, has spent this entire horrible campaign imploding down into its own hornet's nest. Several of their candidates (who then lost) made just stupid comments that made them sound like rape apologists. They keep chasing their tails around gay rights and ZOMG TEH GAYS WILL STEAL OUR GOD GIVEN HETEROMAJORITY when all 4 states that had gay marriage on the ballots sided with the gays. They continually harp on removing rights from women, apparently forgetting that <i>women can vote now.</i><br />
<br />
My entire political philosophy is this: inclusion, never exclusion. I will never vote to exclude any group of people from something others are allowed to do or have. It's wrong and it's not the function of government; in a democracy, the majority wins, so you CANNOT have a system that enables the majority to strip the rights of the minority.<br />
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-3094146180888449882012-08-23T11:31:00.001-07:002012-08-23T11:31:11.247-07:00The Little Monster Turned Into A Really Short PERSON<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So the Little Monster is... about two and a half now. I'm getting much better at explaining who she is to me, now, mostly because I can't shut up about her and people frequently stop me and say, "Wait, what toddler?!"<br />
<br />
No, I didn't magically have a kid. I live with one. I have for more than a year. She's not my child and frankly I think I'd be, like, the worst parent ever so I'm glad she's not my child, but she for mysterious reasons occupies a lot of my brain. I've gotten used to it. The first time I was away from the NeuHaus for a long term petsitting gig, I was startled and worried when, in the middle of a run, I was hit with a wave of <i>missing her</i> so much I almost cried. I suppose I have to blame biology and man-as-a-social-creature for this.<br />
<br />
In any case, she calls me 'Aunt Cake' or more often just 'Cake' - my name is hard for little humans to pronounce and when my cousin was little she did the same thing - and while she's always been pretty smart, in the past couple of months her language and comprehension skills have just skyrocketed. I think she's hysterically funny, and sometimes the things that come out of her mouth are so <i>freaking brilliant</i> when you consider that she's not even three years old.<br />
<br />
I've been doing my best to write down some of the gems, as has the rest of the Collective. Here are some of them. I wasn't there for all of these, but I assure you none of us embellish these things. It's not really possible to make what she says any better.<br />
<br />
<br />
<span class="fwn fcg"></span><br />
<div class="uiSelector inlineBlock audienceSelector audienceSelectorNoTruncate dynamicIconSelector uiSelectorRight uiSelectorNormal uiSelectorDynamicTooltip">
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<a class="uiSelectorButton uiButton uiButtonSuppressed uiButtonNoText" data-hover="tooltip" data-label="" data-length="30" data-oid="10152086714865019" data-tooltip-alignh="right" data-tooltip="Your friends" href="https://www.facebook.com/kputnam3/posts/10152086714865019?notif_t=like#" rel="toggle" role="button" title="Your friends"><span class="uiButtonText"></span></a><span class="userContent"><i>(I lean over the gate to wave good bye to the Little Monster, who is sitting in a box. I have my helmet in my hand.)</i><br /> Little Monster: You... are you having a tricycle?<br /> Me: I have a bicycle. <br /> Little Monster: It have two wheels. You going to ride it?<br /> Me: Yes. I'm going to school. See you later.<br /> Little Monster: Okay. I watch Howl.</span></div>
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<span class="userContent"></span><span class="userContent">Little Monster: "What's this?"<br /> Catface Meowmers: "That's a library card."<br /> Little Monster: "...is it for touching the ferrets?"</span><br />
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<span class="userContent">Bearcat: You need to get good at eating with a spoon. That's how grown-ups eat.<br /> Little Monster: Grown-ups don't eat!<br /> Bearcat: Well, I'm a grown-up, and I eat.<br /> Little Monster: Grown-ups are for opening doors.</span><br />
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<i><span class="userContent">(Little Monster wants to do something she can't do, which happens often. Catface Meowmers begins suggesting other things that are similar but also possible.)</span></i></div>
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<span class="userContent">Little Monster (interrupting): Shh, Mom. No choices. </span><span class="userContent"> </span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Bearcat: Do you like dinosaurs?<br /> Little Monster: No, dinosaurs are extinct.</span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Little Monster</span><span class="userContent">: Oh, NO! We NEVER find the puzzle piece.<br /> Catface Meowmers: You're really fatalistic, you know that about you?<br /> Little Monster: Mommy, I not a fishstick.</span><br />
<br />
<i><span class="userContent">(I overhear this from another room.)</span></i><br />
<span class="userContent">Little Monster: Mommy, I going to climb on your head, okay? And you not say ow or move or anything, okay? </span></div>
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<span class="userContent">This conversation is not particularly funny to anyone but me, but I'm recording it because it shows the fact that I'm able to have almost a real conversation with a person who I remember as a kind of mobile scream machine.</span></div>
<div>
<span class="userContent"><i>(I arrive home from class the same time Bearcat and Little Monster arrive from running errands.)</i></span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Little Monster<i>, through the car window</i>: HI, CAKE! </span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Me: HI! What are you doing?</span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Little Monster,<i> while climbing out of the car</i>: I coming out of the car.</span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Me: I see that. Good job. Be careful.</span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Little Monster: I being careful. <i>(She says this to us a lot, because we're constantly begging her to be careful.)</i> </span><span class="fwn fcg"><span class="userContent">You ride your bicycle? You ride your bicycle to school?</span></span></div>
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<span class="fwn fcg"><span class="userContent"> Me: Yeah, I rode my bike to school today. </span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><i>(I go to put my bike away while she and Bearcat do stuff at the car. We intersect again on the way inside the house.)</i></span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Me: What did you do today?</span></div>
<div>
<span class="userContent">Little Monster<i>, with her mouth full</i>: Nuthies.</span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Me: You did nothing?</span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Little Monster: NUGGIES! <i>(She shows me the chicken nugget in her mouth. If that was the grossest thing she'd ever shown me, I would be happier, and I can't express how much I sympathize with those Collective members who may or may not have been vomited on like in the Exorcist. So I am not fazed by the masticated nugget.)</i></span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Me: Oh, I see. You did nuggies today. That's good.</span></div>
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<span class="userContent">Little Monster: Yeah, nuggies are pretty good. </span></div>
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-23409517395691621302012-07-27T21:47:00.000-07:002013-06-21T10:44:58.770-07:00I proved the Matrix was real once.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
This was an actual paper. I wrote it for a real class.<br />
The Morpheatic View Of Reality And How It Validates The Matrix<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
1. Is The Matrix Reality?<br />
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Morpheus is a freedom fighter, the leader of a band of humans willing to re-enter the Matrix, to attack its programming, to fight and to die in the name of all humanity. They are champions of the right to Reality, the right of humans to live free of the machines. But are they correct in their definition of reality?<br />
<br />
Morpheus and his crew believe that the Matrix is not reality, because they know it to be based within a computer program, their experiences within it easily manufactured and manipulated.<br />
<br />
Neo, newly awakened from his brain-in-a-vat existence, learns to accept this position. Standing in the white space of the Construct, he runs his hands over the back of an old red leather chair and asks, “This... isn't real?”<br />
<br />
“What is real?” Morpheus responds. “How do you define real? If you're talking about your senses, what you feel, taste, smell or see, then all you're talking about are electrical signals interpreted by your brain.”<br />
<br />
Neo is apparently too overwhelmed to bring up the fact that Morpheus has not answered his question, and the message he receives is that no, the chair is not real. When he goes to visit the Oracle, the child in the waiting room tells him that there is no spoon, and by this time Neo believes this so readily that he is able to manipulate the programming of the Matrix in order bend the spoon. He never considers the implications of Morpheus' oblique response, but I think that those implications are important to consider.<br />
<br />
Is the Matrix reality? Are the experiences a person has within them real?<br />
<br />
That line is not drawn by Morpheus himself, but by one of his disciple-like crew, Trinity, when she is forced to beg Cypher for her life and the lives of her shipmates. “The Matrix isn't real!” she says.<br />
<br />
“Oh, I disagree, Trinity,” Cypher responds, neatly and immediately. “I think the Matrix can be more real than this world.” The murder he then commits in order to prove his point only underscores the weakness of Trinity's assertion, and touches upon what would seem to be the blank page in Morpheus' teachings: if the Matrix is not reality, and the Real World is, what makes them so?<br />
<br />
If, according to Morpheus, both places are experienced within the human mind as mere electrical signals, what makes the one reality, and the other only illusion?<br />
<br />
In the absence of a clear answer from Morpheus, I believe that both the Real World and the Matrix are realities, and this can be proved through the character of Agent Smith.<br />
<br />
2. The Morpheatic Distinction Between The “Real World” And The Matrix.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br /><br />
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Morpheus teaches his crew that his ship and the world it operates in is the Real World, and the world they have come from, the Matrix, is not reality but rather a construct. He demonstrates this by showing how easily manipulated the Matrix is, how a human's perceptions can be shifted and altered any way the programmer sees fit: a solid floor can become soft and forgiving; a blank white expanse can become a cold, crumbling, ruined city.<br />
<br />
In the Real World, however, there are laws and rules which no programming can alter. There is a certainty within Morpheus' mind that the bridge of his ship will continue to exist as it is without his being there to perceive it, that gravity will continue to exert the same amount of force on his body. He believes this is because no one is giving these experiences to him. He experiences them freely, first-hand.<br />
<br />
Within the Matrix, all experiences are constructed and fed into the human mind by computers. They are enslaved experiences, manipulated and second-hand. Morpheus teaches that these kind of experiences are not real. Neo questions this when driving to the Oracle within the Matrix, pointing out a noodle shop he remembers frequenting. “I have all these memories,” he tells Trinity. “None of them happened. What does that mean?”<br />
<br />
Trinity, already a full acolyte of Morpheus' way of thinking, responds immediately and without truly addressing the point of Neo's question, “That the Matrix cannot tell you who you are.”<br />
<br />
She does not – perhaps cannot – explain to Neo that his memories of the noodle shop did happen, but were not real, because they were a result of computer programming and Neo only experienced them second-hand.<br />
<br />
This distinction between reality and illusion, however, does not allow for the solid black line the crew of the Nebuchadnezzar are willing to give their lives to draw, because there is at least one person for whom it is not valid.<br />
<br />
3. The Personhood Of Agent Smith And His Experience Of The Matrix<br />
<br />
Agent Smith is, as explained by Morpheus, “a sentient program... inside the Matrix.” He is an artificial intelligence, programmed by the Matrix, to protect it from infiltration and outside manipulation. Again: according to Morpheus himself, he is sentient. He possesses a consciousness.<br />
<br />
Agent Smith is a person created within in the Matrix. He lives as a being made of code, within a world of code, but he does live. He thinks and is aware of doing so: Cogito ergo sum.<br />
<br />
His existence makes a universal definition of the Matrix as a non-reality impossible, by Morpheus' own standards. His experience of the Matrix is not created and manipulated for him while his 'true' form lies inert in another world. He experiences the Matrix first-hand.<br />
<br />
This is well-demonstrated when he goes off-line to confess his hatred of the experience to Morpheus. “I must get out of here,” he whispers, his face twisting in desperation and disgust, leaning closer to peer into Morpheus' flickering, barely cogent eyes. “I must get free. Once Zion is gone, there is no need for me to be here. Do you understand?”<br />
<br />
Morpheus is, perhaps, not conscious enough to understand, but we as viewers can understand perfectly. Agent Smith is a computer program made with one vital function: protect the Matrix from the danger that Zion presents. In an operating system, once a function is complete, the program performing it stops running. Agent Smith is not asking Morpheus, freer of human minds, to unplug him from the Matrix and allow him to experience the Real World. Such a thing is not possible for him, and they are both aware of this fact.<br />
<br />
Agent Smith is confessing to Morpheus that he wishes to die.<br />
<br />
Here is where Morpheus' distinction of the Real World versus the Matrix becomes significant. Neo, wishing to escape the second-hand experience of the Matrix, took the Red Pill and escaped into a world which he is taught to call “free.” This is because there are no rules or boundaries set by anyone else; the only boundaries which remain are essential for his mind and body to continue to exist in any context.<br />
<br />
Agent Smith's essential boundaries are within the Matrix. Morpheus tells Neo this: “[Agents are] based in a world that is built on rules. Because of that, they will never be as strong or as fast as you can be.” Just as Neo's only escape from the boundaries of the Nebuchadnezzar is non-existence, Agent Smith's only escape from the Matrix is non-existence.<br />
<br />
It is not illusion to him; he sees it and knows it first-hand. He cannot continue to live outside of its contexts. Therefore, by Morpheus' own definition, the Matrix is reality.<br />
<br />
4. The Matrix Is Reality<br />
<br />
By defining reality as something which is experienced first-hand, Morpheus and his crew have inadvertently given strength to the argument against their value system. So long as there are persons within the Matrix like Agent Smith, who experience the Matrix with the same frustration and angst as we do in our daily, unprogrammed reality, then the Matrix will always be a reality, and as valid as the one on board the Nebuchadnezzar.<br />
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The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-82851273492088556172012-07-11T07:38:00.002-07:002012-07-12T07:37:42.256-07:00Video Portrait of the English Major During the 90s<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<object height="315" width="420"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/IRvGZffXhfk?version=3&hl=en_US"></param>
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<br />
This video is a pure expression of yours truly's experience growing up in the 90s.<br />
<br />
Extremely awkward. More than a little bizarre. And literally about not knowing the words to your own song.<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Edit: According to my boss, "I think this video is in some
type of strange prison – it’s like disco solitary, except there’s no metal
toilet in the corner. People who think prison is cool should watch this video,
it will straighten them out." </div>
</div>The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-74283550637090587052012-07-06T08:04:00.002-07:002012-07-06T08:08:00.646-07:00We are Borg.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I love TEDtalks. My favorite TEDtalk is <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/amber_case_we_are_all_cyborgs_now.html" target="_blank">this one</a>, by Amber Case. I think she, in basic understandable terms that I would never be able to organize myself into, explains the concept of cyborg anthropology and how and why I think humans and technology are so freaking fascinating.<br />
<br />
My brain is doing a lot of really fast leaping around lately - I did some training for work on different learning styles and designing classes in such a way that we can appeal to all of them, and it was really interesting to me because I live in this constant state of being really astounded that Stuff Is.<br />
<br />
See, I pay attention to a lot of science, but I'm not a scientist. I'm a writer, and an English major, and what I see, hear, think and feel about factual information isn't concrete and data-driven but rather... metaphorical. Abstracted. I assimilate the data to the extent that I am able without a scientific background/really 100% understanding it, and then my brain grabs up the new baby BorgFact and runs, gleefully screaming, to the land of unicorns and dancing iced sugar cookies. "Look what just arrived! Wouldn't it look WONDERFUL with some glitter glue dabbed on all the edges?! Then EVERYONE will love it!"<br />
<br />
The unicorns are constantly trying to remind me that not everyone shares my enthusiasm for glitter glue, just like not everyone has dancing iced sugar cookies around the peripheries of their brain. I ignore them. Unicorns don't exist.<br />
<br />
So the thing about science and technology for me is that really, at the end of the day, I'm just astonished that things work. I mean, water molecules are bent at right(ish) angles, in such a way that gives water the ability to link up and basically enable all life to have ever even gotten started. <i>What if they had not done that?!</i> It is surely no skin off the universe's nose if life doesn't exist.<br />
<br />
So anyways, back to the topic at hand, which is the fact that I don't think anyone - except apparently Amber Case - is thinking about technology the right way. Just because we're not physically grafted to our devices doesn't mean that we're not assimilating them just like the Borg. Anyone who thinks humans and modern technology are separate need only look at the difference between this upcoming generation and the one before them. Humans in the developed world are growing up surrounded by all of these new ways of interfacing with the environment and their own brains. When my mother calls me and asks me how to fix her computer, I'm forced to explain things to such a degree that I'm annoyed. It is <i>not her fault</i>. She doesn't interface like I do; she can't make the intuitive leaps I can, doesn't have the little minute steps totally ingrained and instinctive like I do. I AM a cyborg, because technology has facilitated these connections that would not otherwise exist. I may not literally have robotic parts, but the fact is that technology informs fundamental brain processes for me.<br />
<br />
The whole point of this point is that Amber Case is really cool, and you should watch her TEDtalk. <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/amber_case_we_are_all_cyborgs_now.html" target="_blank">Here's the link to it again.</a><br />
<br />
Edit: This post clearly needs a picture. Here is one of the internet.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQnpsUtsp7Zhz2ukiHsegvbYy5WO_rt95RRG9qvpAC8zuKus2CVxIoBeG0g04I9VavsQExr5m8ZBW8wLF91e9oNFLSaF_G1jLzCjV2zVE_VOViwXmmdFI9yGzly7Ug2XYfOrXZW8JsQ8Q/s1600/Opte+Project_lg.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQnpsUtsp7Zhz2ukiHsegvbYy5WO_rt95RRG9qvpAC8zuKus2CVxIoBeG0g04I9VavsQExr5m8ZBW8wLF91e9oNFLSaF_G1jLzCjV2zVE_VOViwXmmdFI9yGzly7Ug2XYfOrXZW8JsQ8Q/s320/Opte+Project_lg.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>The Whole Internet</i></div>
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<br /></div>The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-37720531444784454082012-06-15T10:56:00.000-07:002012-06-15T10:56:06.463-07:00Bits and Pieces of Funny<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The entire Harry Potter series is a lot funnier if you decide that the entire conflict is centered around Voldemort's nose.<br />
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<br />
"I got your nose! I got your nose!"</div>
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"No, you didn't. It's right here on my... My nose! All right, fine, Dumbledore. You win. Give me my nose back."</div>
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"I lied, I don't have it. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!" -skips off-</div>
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"Well, then, who took it?"</div>
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"Silence,
Wormtail! I have no nose and it preoccupies me. Where is it? It isn't
there. Maybe if I close one eye and - no, still not there!
POTTER HAS MY NOSE! I KNOW HE DOES! We must <i>get Potter's nose</i>!"</div>
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More After The Jump.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
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Gigli.<br /><br />Gigli, Gigli, Gigli.<br /><br />I wonder how the conversation with JLo went.<br /><br /><br />Producers: "Well, we want you to play this lesbian...."<br />JLo: -blink- "I'm fairly mainstream and I'm not sure I really want to take that kind of risk-"<br />Producers: "No, no! Don't worry! She's not <em>really </em>a
lesbian. I mean, she says she is and has this psycho ex-girlfriend but
she's still going to fuck Ben Affleck. Did we mention Ben Affleck is in
this movie? Cause he is. And there's also a mentally disabled kid for
laughs and you're a <em>total </em>badass except with a heart of gold and LESBIANS ARE SO HOT PLEASE PLAY A LESBIAN."<br />JLo: "...so she's not <em>really </em>a lesbian?"<br />Producers:
"Well, she is, but Ben Affleck is going to be so super studly he's
going to turn her straight. Like in this porno I once - I mean, in this
totally realistic situation that totally happens everyday all the time."<br />JLo: "I'm getting paid for this?"<br />Producers:
"Lots and lots. And you can be on set with your boyfriend all day.
We'll give you a trailer with a hot tub and you'll hardly have to act at
all because you're already so hot and that's really the only defining
quality of this character. That and her being a lesbian."<br />JLo: "Okay! That sounds swell."<br />Producers: -cough- "It sure does."<br />
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<br />
Quote of the Day<br />
"The more I think about it, the more I think they're talking about lesbian sex."<br />-Me.<br /><br /><br /><br />Context:<br /><br />I'm watching Law and Order: SVU because I was in love with Mariska Hargitay before I knew I was gay. <br />It's
an episode with a case that happens really near Olivia's apartment, and
Eliot is teasing her about the fact that she doesn't know her
neighbors, yet expects the victim to have known them. <br /><br />Eliot brags that living in the suburbs is better, and Olivia asks since when is Queens the suburbs? <br /><br />Eliot says, 'since we got a yard with some grass'. <br /><br />Olivia
says, 'Yeah, and I bet you're out there every weekend, mowing the
lawn.' There's some conversation about how Kathy does most of that
stuff, another couple of jibes towards Liv about being isolated, and
then, this happens:<br /><br />Eliot: You sure don't have any grass to mow.<br /><br />Olivia: Yeah, I'm a regular monk.<br /><br />Eliot: <em>Monkette</em>.<br /><br /><br />...<br /><br />Well, now. See what I mean? The more you think about it...<br />
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Best. Switchboard. Conversation. Ever.<br /><br />Me - South Rim, how can I help you?<br />Her - Hi, where are you located?<br />Me - Inside the National Park, in the Grand Canyon Village.<br />Her - No, I mean, are you near anything?<br />Me - We're near the rim of the Canyon.<br />Her - But are there any landmarks?<br /><br />Let's run that past you one more time: <em>are there any landmarks?</em><br />
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<em> </em>Regarding the song Missing by Everything But The Girl.<br /><br />Lyric: "I miss you like the deserts miss the rain."<br /><br />Thought: The desert is an eco-system evolved specifically <em>not </em>to miss the rain. This song is not terribly romantic after all.<br />
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</div>The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-9500452243271452732012-06-15T10:45:00.003-07:002012-06-15T10:45:55.001-07:00When I Lost My Mind Working The Night Shift<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
From Canyon-Era English Major:<br />
<br />
-------------------------------------<br />
<br />
I work the night shift.<br />
<br />
I request it, actually. Charlie shift, 11pm
to 7am. Graveyard, some people call it. The name fits, it works. Not so
much because it’s dead as because it’s… cool. Still, balmy in a way that
has nothing to do with weather. It’s an attitude, something born of the
knowledge that while everyone around you is prancing through the Land
of Nod with the cast of The Tick and Fran Drescher, you are awake and
you are… <i style="css: start HTML tag? */;">bored.</i><br />
<br />
Yes.
Night shift is boring. Night shift is boring like Leonard Cohen singing
a capella with no backing would be boring, boring like an infomercial
about how to make a fortune in the stock market is boring. It’s a kind
of tedium few have experienced. I have cable tv, a dvd player, books,
issues of Time magazine dating all the way back to the Reagan era <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">and</i>
a job to do, but still, the specter of being trapped in a tiny office
in the dead of night – eight hours worth of dead, in fact – it’s just
boring. Even if you have four seasons of ER, even if you have a shelf
full of books completely worth reading, even if you are scrapbooking
your entire life story.<br />
<br />
There will be that moment of
squirreliness at three in the morning where you stop and look around,
left to right with your eyes only, squinting at empty space, at the
walls and the mini-fridge and the coffee pot and you think, quite
calmly, “Who are you people and why do you all bear a vague resemblance
to Fran Drescher?” And you’re afraid, but quite matter-of-fact about it,
because you know you’re alone, and the moment will pass, and by 7am
when your relief shows up you will have something resembling sanity, if
not something resembling good breath. The state of a night shift
worker’s mouth at 7am, even if they have gum, even if they don’t smoke,
is just shocking. It’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">horrifying</i>.<br />
<br />
Somehow,
in that convoluted, completely fucked-up circadian nightmare that is
three in the morning, something clicked in my brain and I became…
domestic.<br />
<br />
Well, not domestic but I began to share a few too many
traits with upper-middleclass housefraus for my own quasi-butch
self-image.<br />
<br />
I swept. I gathered up the crumbs, the dust bunnies,
and the renegade coffee beans, and forcibly ejected them from my
office. A few nights later, the act of sweeping no longer able to
satisfy my reckless cleaning lust, I tracked down the night janitor and
had him bring me a wet mop. I scrubbed that old linoleum until it was
all the <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">same uniform color</i> of old linoleum.<br />
<br />
The unthinkable happened next: my boss noticed. And complimented my clean floors.<br />
<br />
Oh, no.<br />
<br />
It was <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">on</i>,
my friends. It was on like Donkey Kong, like Jedi versus Sith, like me,
my roommate, and only one Voyager Class Optimus Prime left on the
shelf.<br />
<br />
El Kato, Domestic Dyke.<br />
<br />
And now I am in love with
an inanimate object: The Swiffer Duster. That thing is… amazing. It is a
Dust Magnet. I prowl the office like a lion on the hunt, seeking the
dust with a vengeance I didn’t know existed inside of me. The first time
I did the whole office, it took five of the fluffy “refill” things. I
have never felt so validated as I did glaring in triumph at the
wastepaper basket full of fluffy things and <i style="css: start HTML tag? */;">dust</i>.<br />
<br />
El
Kato, Dust Bandit. I would call myself Dust Buster, but it’s not only
taken, but is the name of an alternate mode of dust removal, which is
unacceptable. The Swiffer Duster and I are together until the end of
time.<br />
All that cleaning takes up at least an hour of my time if
I’m in full-mania; next I devote at least four hours to scouring
episodes of ER for Maggie Doyle (played by Jorja Fox) and trying not to
hate Kerry Weaver for her fugly 90s wardrobe and generally willful
social ineptitude. I don’t understand why they make her so awful for so
long.<br />
<br />
Okay, so I do understand, but that doesn’t make me like
it. I sympathize with her in her solo moments, when she’s practically
orgasming over paperwork. I look at her administrative mania and feel
myself twitch in janitorial sympathy. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">If only she had a Swiffer</i>, I think to myself, holding my Swiffer close to my chest. <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">A Swiffer instead of Mark Greene. That’s all she needs.</i><br />
<br />
Personally
I don’t think the show would have suffered much without Mark Greene.
But then, I’m a dyke and bald men look like dicks. And he’s just whiny.
Even when it’s all going his way, he whines. He has horrible time
management skills, his wife was totally hot and he lost her due to that
fact that he has horrible time management skills, and as far as I can
tell he never really learns to prioritize.<br />
<br />
I mean, just imagine
ER with Kerry Weaver carrying around, like, a Swiffer with some
wire-rimmed glasses on. Making diagnosis’ out of the side of her mouth,
arguing back and forth about patient care, having discussions in the
lounge.<br />
<br />
“Oh, this paperwork is such a nightmare. It’s so amazing of you to take it all on, Kerry, and still find time to be such an <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">amazing</i> doctor.”<br />
<br />
“Why,
yes, Doctor Greene, it did take me a long time to color code and
alphabetize all of your work, but anything to make this hospital – YOU
THERE, CAROL HATHAWAY! YOU ARE WASTING MONEY! I DON’T KNOW HOW THIS TIME
BUT YOU ARE! – run more efficiently. Now, if you please, I need to
forge your signature on a few things, if you have the time.”<br />
<br />
“I always have time for such a fabulous doctor and alphabetizer such as yourself, Kerry. In fact, why not join me for dinner?”<br />
<br />
“Well, thank you, Mark, but you’ll be staying in my locker when I leave here today.”<br />
<br />
“And what a well-organized locker it is, too.”</div>The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-56401048198331491932012-06-15T10:29:00.001-07:002012-06-15T10:30:24.304-07:00Old Stuff: AKA Not Being Lazy, I Swear<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
So, the next few blog posts you see are going to be old things that I wrote in the way backs. I'm putting them here so I don't lose them forever, because I like them.<br />
<br />
For instance:<br />
A conversation between a nurse and myself once I'm old enough to get
into one of those places. I'm going to be such a naughty old lady.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"We all got dysentery, and we kept losing oxen every time we forded rivers..."<br />
<br />
"That sounds a lot like Oregon Trail."<br />
<br />
"What? We didn't go to Oregon. We went to India. For spices and silks. And the Indians tried to kill us with Tomahawks."<br />
<br />
"The Indians did."<br />
<br />
"Yes.
For their spices, and silks. But then they taught us how to plant corn,
and we had Thanksgiving. But the Indians were not invited, because we
killed them with smallpox infected blankets. You're not an Indian, are
you?"<br />
<br />
"What? No."<br />
<br />
"Good, because this blanket is infected with smallpox."<br />
<br />
"Miss Putnam, do you want your jello or not?"<br />
<br />
"Well, what flavor is it?"<br />
<br />
"Lemon."<br />
<br />
"...I hate this place. This is worse than when I was teaching the natives how to plant corn."<br />
<br />
"I thought the Indians taught you how to plant corn."<br />
<br />
"...in
Nova Scotia. I was part of an exchange program, and they didn't know
how to plant corn, so I showed 'em. But one look at their stupid Canuck
faces and I thought, 'Damn, better simplify this bitch.' Hole, corn,
fish, dirt. I don't know if it worked because it's always winter in
Canada."<br />
<br />
"Is it now?"<br />
<br />
"Young lady, you shouldn't question your elders. Especially not ones who risked their lives in the war so you could have your -"<br />
<br />
"What war is that?"<br />
<br />
"The War of 1812. Wow, that was a long war."<br />
<br />
"... Miss Putnam, Edna needs her powerchair back now."<br />
<br />
"Medicaid
gave me this scooter. I need it to beat the rest of these old farts to
the cafeteria. They always take the best pudding flavors, and all that's
left is tapioca. I can't eat tapioca, ever since Luke told me about how
once when he was in Canada, he had to cut open his tauntaun and the
inside looked just like tapioca pudding."<br />
<br />
"Luke... Skywalker?"<br />
<br />
"Yes, you've heard of him? Nice boy. A bit faggy, though. I hate fags."<br />
<br />
"Aren't you a lesbian?"<br />
<br />
"What
does that have to do with... are you asking me to dinner? We can go
out. You, me, and Medicaid. You can pay, because Medicaid is a stingy
bitch. Ever since I had to weasle my scooter out of her. You'd think
losing a leg in the war would qualify..."<br />
<br />
"Miss Putnam, you have two legs."<br />
<br />
"This
one's a prosthetic. Good, isn't it? A nice young man by the name of
Spock gave it to me. He was a bit stiff, but very nice. I lost track of
him after he had that captain's baby and didn't come back after
maternity leave. But, by then, I had already moved on to the next gym,
because I had to catch 'em all!"</div>The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-80880087639072969642012-05-23T08:02:00.005-07:002012-05-23T10:57:29.879-07:00Part 2 of My Quest To Prove Atlantis Is The Best Disney Movie<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://runzombieschaseyou.blogspot.com/2012/05/part-1-of-part-1-of-my-quest-to-prove.html" target="_blank">Link To Part 1 of Part 1</a><br />
<br />
Part 2: The Importance of Being a Nerd<br />
<br />
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<a href="http://i.imgur.com/QidlF.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i.imgur.com/QidlF.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Milo Thatch is the hero of Atlantis: The Lost Empire.<br />
<br />
And Milo is a nerd.<br />
<br />
Milo is a big, giant nerd. He probably got beat up a lot growing up, and he certainly gets beat up a lot now. He's small and skinny -- so small and skinny that Cookie the Cook tells him, "If you stood sideways and stuck out your tongue you'd look like a zipper."<br />
<br />
But Milo is really, really smart.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/vUOB7.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i.imgur.com/vUOB7.png" width="320" /></a><a href="http://i.imgur.com/MmDq5.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i.imgur.com/MmDq5.png" width="320" /></a>The whole idea of the movie is that no one can find Atlantis but him. He's studied dead languages his whole life, in single-minded pursuit of his dreams. He believes in <i>knowledge</i>, beyond anything else. Everyone else on the expedition is focused on money, but Milo waxes rhapsodic about how discovering Atlantis will enrich mankind's knowledge of the universe.<br />
<br />
This kind of belief, and that kind of nerdiness, is what is needed to find Atlantis. Everything hinges on Milo's ability to READ. From the moment he's introduced, he is focused on a book. A specific book, The Shepherd's Journal, but I think really the journal is symbolic of books in general. The quest for Atlantis can be seen as a quest for knowledge in general, and it's all in books.<br />
<br />
The crew that goes to Atlantis (SPOILER: They find Atlantis.) is made up of people who are very good at what they do, but none of them read like Milo, and they know they can't find Atlantis without him, which, really, is why they 'put up with him.' The first part of the expedition, pre-Atlantis, shows the divide between Milo and the rest of the crew, the way they ignore him and/or play possibly deadly practical jokes on him. They crack jokes and they're all really great characters and it seems like we're being set up for your typical 'kick dirt on the smart kid' gag that's unfortunately all too common, but take a look at Milo here:<br />
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<a href="http://i.imgur.com/iAmb7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i.imgur.com/iAmb7.png" width="320" /></a></div>
He is having <i>the time of his life</i>. Everyone else is off to the left, eating dinner and making fart jokes, and Milo is reading and doesn't even NOTICE that they look over at him in disdain.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://i.imgur.com/jxwmU.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i.imgur.com/jxwmU.png" width="320" /></a></div>
Milo is always reading. Audrey, the teenage tomboy mechanic prodigy (set up as being more masculine than Milo in the first few lines of dialogue they share), asks him about it when the crew finally invites him over to eat with them.<br />
<br />
Milo's response to her question is not shame, or self-derision. He doesn't even close the book. Instead, he tells them <i>why</i> he finds the book so fascinating, and they don't immediately shut him down. They don't recoil. In fact, this is a major turning point in the narrative for Milo, because from this point on the crew includes him a lot more. And he didn't compromise his love of knowledge and learning in order to do it. He finds Atlantis for them and for himself, and even though he's still a big dork, in the end his ability to read - and only his ability to read - lands him the best Disney Princess of Them All.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i.imgur.com/950dO.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://i.imgur.com/950dO.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Also, he invented the Snuggie. Just saying. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5713016300606622915.post-4983124599806877822012-05-22T05:22:00.000-07:002012-05-22T06:38:04.466-07:00Part 1 of Part 1 of My Quest To Prove Atlantis Is The Best Disney Movie<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This is a Very Serious undertaking that's going to span multiple posts and by the end prove to you that Atlantis: The Lost Empire was the best of Disney's animated films, and that it was unfairly maligned due to its lack of songs and the little fact of it being genuinely awesome in too many different ways.<br />
<br />
This first post will serve as an introduction to the project, and as such state both my personal feelings (well, further state) on the subject as well as show you the first in a series of really great screencaps I've taken.<br />
<br />
I do believe that Disney's Atlantis: The Lost Empire was a truly great movie. I respect the serious, action-adventure vein which they were aiming for and hit squarely, and I think anyone who watches the movie without 90s-era Sing-A-Long bias will agree that including songs would have taken the film in a displeasing, syrupy place that would not have fit the dry humor that makes it so good.<br />
<br />
This is not to say I do not enjoy those Disney animated movies which DO involve singing, as anyone who works near me can attest to the fact that sometimes I open my mouth and 'Be A Man' from Mulan comes out of it. I love musicals as much as any other type of movie, but I think we can all agree that not every movie is suited to being a musical. Atlantis certainly is not.<br />
<br />
The importance of defending this movie has been made clear to me since the surge of Disney Princesses now permeates every aspect of nearly every little American girl's life, and yet <i>does not include Kida, who was legitimately a princess in her own right</i> - unlike several of the original Disney princesses, who are only princesses because they married otherwise featureless princes. Teaching little girls that they're nothing until they're married. That's what we want.<br />
<br />
These first screencaps do not include Kida, because she gets her own whole post later in the project. These were taken from the dvd version of the film, with the captions on. I repeat, these are the actual captions of the actual dialogue. The fact that they make perfect LOLs on their own serves, I think, to prove my point.<br />
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<br /></div>The English Majorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03748482324996975136noreply@blogger.com0