How Every Second of RE:5 Could Have Been Better With Claire

Well, that's a good question, Alice. Neither Redfield is in Resident Evil: Retribution. Personally, though I like Chris well enough, I was prepared for him to be gone. But Claire has, at this point, been in two consecutive RE movies, and an informal poll of no-seriously everyone I know says that she's a fan favorite. The Alice/Claire match-up is pretty much perfect.

So in this series of screencaps from RE: Retribution, I'm going to detail the many places where the movie would have been vastly improved by Claire's presence. I know what the title says, but taking a screencap of every second of the movie would have been excessive.

It will document almost the entire movie. Spoilers, in other words.

Ho ho ho, motherfuckers.

Predictably, I'm sick the day before Christmas Eve. It happens without fail; the day before a major holiday, I come down with something, and I spend the whole day drinking tea and sulking about being sick, and then I wake up the next day better. I think maybe my body is the Grinch but my brain is Cindy-Loo Who, who is no more than two.

(Which is just weird because, really, a two year old isn't quite as cogent as Cindy-Loo. I would have guessed her at four, maybe five without the rhyme.)

Anyways, Merry Christmas, everyone. It's doubtful I'll have anything brilliant to say between then and now, and I'm slightly delirious now, so might as well channel the Dayquil into holiday cheer.

I've had a Christmas photoshoot for your enjoyment. Well, really for my enjoyment. I love this hat and I only get to wear it for about 2 weeks every year.

 Look, there's even glitter. I have cheer, I do.

Also I am not looking at the camera here because I am seriously admiring this kid's beglittered ornament, which is about a million times better than what I could come up with. He had, like, dimensions of glitter on those Popsicle sticks. 

Of course I have a Max. And of course I take pictures with him that make my nose look very large. 

It's Christmas you aren't allowed to make judgments about how attractive I am. Everyone is beautiful at Christmas, motherfucker!

With full awareness that this picture is terrible.

No one believed me that I did something Christmasy. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT I LOVE CHRISTMAS?! It's because I'm not a Christian, right? Well, if you think Christmas has anything to do with religion, you're not paying attention.

ALSO: Yes, I know the SalvArm is terrible to gay people. I did this anyways because a) my friend asked me to stand with her and b) excluding gay people doesn't mean that the straight people they do help don't need help. HUGS NOT HATES, people. 

Well, you know. Monetary hugs. I don't actually want to hug any of them. Ew.

2AM is bad for me.

I have this really terrible idea for a mockumentary style reality show. I want to call it something like, "Demure 'N In," or, "Housewives of Moderate Means." And I want it to be about nice women, who are just honest and sweet all the time. But it would have to be shot and edited as if everything was a big deal.

You could have dramatic confrontations like:

"Oh, Rachel! I didn't know you were bringing a guest. You didn't mention her on your RSVP, but of course she's welcome. Both of you come inside."
"Mary-Claire, this is my sister Rose. I'm sorry I didn't know she was going to be in town or else I would have included her on the RSVP. I brought extra cheese straws and a veggie dip."
"Rose, it's so nice to meet you! Please come in. I've heard so much about you, I'd have been mad if Rachel didn't bring you along. There's coffee in the dining room and everyone is socializing on the patio so we can keep an eye on the children as they frolic."

Or:

"Stan and I are getting a divorce."
"Oh, dear, what happened?"
"Nothing, really. We've been together since we were in high school and we've realized that we grew apart as people, and we've really been more like friends for the past few years anyways. We're dividing the assets equally and the kids understand."

Or:

"Hey, Rose, what do you think of my new haircut?"
"I love it! It makes you look younger."
"So you're saying I looked old before? ... (chuckle) I'm kidding, dear. I really like these highlights, too. I went to Annie, at the Great Clips on Lawndale, if you're interested."

And you could put all of this to really super-dramatic music, and every now and then play a track of that sound people in clubs make right when there's a fight breaking out while Rachel and Mary-Claire are sitting on the patio drinking coffee.