Friday, March 9, 2012

Review: Mega Python vs Gatoroid

I should start by saying this is the best movie ever.

When I say "best movie ever," I'm saying it with a slightly manic, glazed-eye expression. I have Nutella smeared all over my face and I haven't been able to stop waving my hands around in glee for about fifteen minutes. I may need psychiatric evaluation.

But, then again, I'm watching a movie called Mega Python vs Gatoroid, starring Debbie Gibson and Tiffany.

Oh, yes. Debbie Gibson and Tiffany. This is one of those rare things that I had never even considered until just now, but now clearly understand that it is absolutely necessary for human existence. There are no words to tell you how amazing this movie is. All I can do is tell you what happens in it, and you can judge for yourself.

First the cast.

If Tiffany looked any happier, I don't think I could stand it. I mean, try to be sad while looking at this picture.

She is playing a park ranger. Named Terry, I think, though to be honest I just called her Tiffany in my head for the whole movie and that worked out pretty well.

Debbie Gibson looking like woah.

Seriously, how much hotter than Electric Youth is she?

This is the most important person. Ms Fucking Landingham. That's right.

So, here's the "plot" of this "movie."

Debbie Gibson is an environmentalist with the word 'doctor' in front of her name. I'm not sure that means she's a scientist but she and her friends let a bunch of pet snakes loose in the Everglades. For, like, reasons.

Tiffany is, as discussed, a park ranger. She is kinda against the whole 'invasive species' thing and when the snakes turn out to be giant endangerers of habitat she declares it 'snake season' in the park. In possibly the best meet-cute in cinema history, she and Debbie Gibson have a Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck-off. "Snake season!" "Gater season!" "Snake season!" "NOTHING season! PETA FOREVER I HAVE A DOCTORATE!"

It's immediately true love.

For me, I mean. The moment Debbie Gibson looked Tiffany square in the face and asked if she had had bitch for breakfast, I knew this movie was gold.

So the giant snakes somehow take everything over, and kill Tiffany's merkin in the process. So she decides the best thing to do would be to get a bunch of steroids - including an experimental myostatin blocker - from Ms Landingham's nephew and feed them to the alligators.

Thus, Gatoroid.

What I personally don't understand is why this movie isn't Mega PythonS vs GatoroidS. There are hundreds of both of them. Also, I don't understand why they didn't just call this "Debbie Gibson and Tiffany" because honestly that's all I care about.

Well, that and Tiffany's boobs, which spend most of the movie trying desperately to get their own page on IMDB.

You're welcome.

The climax of this movie is the best catfight in the history of catfights. Debbie Gibson and Tiffany fearlessly wrest the title away from Dolly Parton and Queen Latifah in Joyful Noise. Ladies and gentleman, I give you this still:

While they're making out/catfighting (Debbie Gibson at one point grabs a handful of cake and smears it quite deliberately over Tiffany's cleavage), everyone else gets eaten by mega pythons and gatoroids.

They eventually stop fighting and it's really quiet and they're waist-deep in a pond, dripping wet, covered in cake and sesame noodles and running mascara, and Debbie Gibson says, "I think... we're alone now."

Tiffany agrees, "There doesn't seem to be anyone around."

You have to see this movie.

1 comment:

  1. I still can't accurately describe my feelings about this movie. I was getting close and then I saw Tiffany in that dress and now my eyes are just doing that glazy thing you mentioned again. Basically, "We're alone now," and cake cleavage and Tiffany getting boosted to the top of that dynamite container because she can't lift up her fifty pounds of breast by herself and everything about Ms. Landingham forever.