Words I Didn't Know Existed, Pt 2

"Words I Didn't Know Existed, For Normal Everyday Things That Already Have Effective Words, Part Two"

cat·e·nar·y/ˈkatəˌnerē/
Noun: A curve formed by a wire, rope, or chain hanging freely from two points that are on the same horizontal level.
Adjective: Having the form of, involving, or denoting a curve of this type.

Or you could just say, "The curve in the telephone wire."

Elegant in its simplicity.

It's Study Day. Exams start tomorrow.

Spring semester is ending. This doesn't just mean exams, oh no - if you live in the dorms, it means you have to pack up all your shit, get it out of the dorm, and clean your now ex-room, all in time to check out less than 24 hours after your last exam, which you still have to study for and pass.

You're stressed out. You're extra tense because the Cafeteria is running funny hours, the food isn't as good, and people are playing music outside your window all hours of the day under the misguided impression that it's helping you have a good time or something.

What is a person to do in this situation?

Well, up until now, I've just been dancing to Backstreet Boys songs in between manic bursts of essay glottage, but now I know better. I have been taught.

The solution to all of this stress, all of this frenetic panic building up inside of your chest, is to put soap in the fountain.

Can you tell I've been writing literary analyses all day?

Glee has now done Britney Spears, Justin Beiber, Lady Gaga (twice!), and Madonna.

This prompts many pop music listeners, like myself, to wonder, Where in the hell is Christina Aguilera? But then I remember something very important: Christina has a better voice than anyone, ever. (Except maybe Whitney Houston.)

Glee couldn't possibly tribute Christina Aguilera (or Whitney Houston) because there's no way they could muster the vocal adrenaline (see what I did there) to be able to sustain her kind of power for a whole episode.

It would be kind of like this video.

Here's Christina Aguilera's 'Not Myself', off of her latest release album, Bionic, which is really quite a good album despite almost universally bad sales. I'm developing a theory that it's actually a concept album in which Christina Aguilera is exploring the two halves of her personal identity. When you look at the Deluxe album, she starts out with 'Bionic,' a catchy, high energy pop song with heavy synthetic instrumentals, and then you end with 'I Am,' with is nothing but piano and Christina. This is the second song, and its themes can be contrasted with later songs like 'Vanity,' where she does the pop music equivalent of a Walt Whitman - "I am completely in love with myself." (Only in pop music, that's, "I turn myself on. Yeah, I'm vain. So what? So what?")

I find this video somewhat comical, but maybe that's how I'm supposed to see it. Maybe it's a message that, according to Bionic sales, failed to get through.

What I Learned From My Compulsory Television At The Gym

The treadmills at the school gym have televisions set in front of them, muted with the captions on. These are always set to VH1, except for the one on the end of the row that I have to crane my neck to the left in order to see. I don't do that because I have nightmares that I'll be running and miss a stride and go flying off the back of the treadmill into the racquetball courts, and then everyone will just nod and say, 'Mhmm. I knew she was going too fast,' so I never know what's on that one.

(I feel that they all think I am going too fast because I've only ever seen four or five other people really running at all on the treadmills, and I've never seen anyone looking like they were really pushing their speed. Also, running on the treadmill is infernally boring and intolerable to me, so my RPE is significantly higher and I probably look like I'm about to die.)

It occurred to me while watching said VH1 that reality television has really gone too far.

Now, I love nonfiction television. I watch a lot of it - maybe more than scripted shows. I practically live on FoodNetwork and the History Channel while I'm studying. I watch shows like 'Operation Repo' and 'Parking Wars' without a hint of shame. I've watched and enjoyed Judy Judy.

But today I watched a show called 'Audrina,' and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why.

I gathered that the main subject was this girl, Audrina, and the cameras were following her around. But after half an hour, I still had no idea why they got the idea to follow her in the first place. She didn't do anything. She did about the same things I do on, say, a normal Saturday, except with pedicures and small dogs with atrophied legs from being carried around in handbags. She did pilates with her mom and complained about her boyfriend, and then she had lunch with her boyfriend and complained about her mom, and then her sister and her mom got into a disagreement over her brother-in-law.

How is this at all different than what I did last Saturday? Other than the fact that I wasn't wearing as much make-up at the time, and none of my conversations involved the fact that it was about time I got some plastic surgery.

Words I Didn't Know Existed, Pt 1

"Words I Didn't Know Existed, For Normal Everyday Things That Already Have Effective Words, Part One"

(That title was too long.)

sco·po·phil·i·a 
[skoh-puh-fil-ee-uh]
–noun Psychiatry .
the obtaining of sexual pleasure by looking at nude bodies, erotic photographs, etc.
Also, scop·to·phil·i·a.

Or you could just say, "I like porn."

Aw, it's a crusade, now.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I did something I don't normally do - I complained about something to someone who was responsible for that something.

I wrote to Clif bar saying how much I wished they would come up with some new flavors of Builder bar. They have all these magical mystery flavors of regular Clif: Maple Nut, Iced Gingerbread, Carrot Cake, Apricot, Peanut Toffee Buzz, Crunchy Peanut... this list goes on.

The Builder options?

Chocolate. Peanut Butter. Lemon. Chocolate Mint. Vanilla Almond. Cookies n Cream.

That's it. That's all they got. It seems like a lot until you eat them all the time, and then you realize that you're locked in this tiny box labeled "Good Quality, Natural Ingredient Protein Bar That Doesn't Taste Like Total Ass" and you start to feel insane. You might even eat other protein bars made with mostly chemicals. You might purposefully choose to eat a protein bar that you know tastes like total ass, just to remind yourself to be grateful for what you've got.

So I wrote to Clif and I told them that I was a loyal consumer of their product (I've been eating Builder bars since I started paying attention to my food at the Canyon), I really appreciated their company's philosophy, could they please please please add some more flavors to the Builder line-up. I pointed out that they had added several nice flavors in the Luna Protein line-up, which I enjoyed, but it's a 12g vs 20g protein difference, and that mattered.

I got a nice email back where they plugged their various products, but then said they would go 'poke' the Builder team. And you know, that's a good response. Maybe they'll add my opinion to a stack of similar opinions and one day that stack will get high enough to be dealt with.

Then today in the mail, I got this:

Well played, Clif. But I will not be distracted.

From The Funny Archives: We Listen To Rap

The English Major: What is cake?

The Best Friend For Fucking Ever: It's like a sweet bread type of -

The English Major: No, I mean, like shorty and swagger. What does that mean?

The Best Friend For Fucking Ever: Oh. I don't know. Drugs?

The English Major: I think it's money.

The Best Friend For Fucking Ever: I think it's cocaine.

The English Major: Maybe it's expensive things. Like cocaine. And money. Yeah. I think so. It makes sense in context.

The Best Friend For Fucking Ever: You should start a dictionary.

The English Major: What does ballin' mean?

The Best Friend For Fucking Ever: I'm glad we both questioned that at the same time.

The English Major: I mean... apparently it does not mean what I thought it meant.

The Best Friend For Fucking Ever: Yeah. 'All drinks on me cause I'm ballin'.' I don't know... We are so white.