Things I Owe You Posts About (And Am Cheating On Writing Posts About By Writing This Post)

In the land of English Majors:
1). I eat meat now. This was a careful, reasoned decision that had many steps and eventually just came down to "overall body-feeling-better-ness."
2). I run in ZeroDrop shoes now. This was a careful, reasoned decision that had many steps and eventually just came down to "overall body-feeling-better-ness."
3). I am working diligently on a novel. This was not a careful or reasoned decision. It is necessary. I am a writer, damn it, and I need to write stuff.
4). New Tegan and Sara album so good. Listen to it forever.

Let's have some fun, this beat is sick.

Today, I had this revelation:
"What the world needs is a supernova talented white female rapper."

It's entirely possible I've spent the entire afternoon researching white female rappers since then. Here's my knowledge, now, so you can also know what you've been missing, and what is still clearly missing. And then you, too, will wonder: Whatever happened to IcyBlu?

The Logic of Walmart $5 4-Pack Movies

So I picked up this in the $5 at Walmart last night around midnight. (I adore Walmart at midnight. It's the perfect combination of seedy Walmart skulking mixed with seedy why-the-fuck-are-you-here-you-are-clearly-a-hooligan skulking.)

And I bought it for the sheer fact that it was the weirdest combination of movies I had ever seen. I needed to understand it, and I couldn't do that in the two minutes I could stand elbows deep in the $5 bin.

And after many hours of thought, I have figured out how this combo was decided.

1. Clearly, D.E.B.S. is the star of this show. It comes first, and also it occupies the prized position at the top of the case. So, we're meant to start with D.E.B.S., which if you're a lesbian you already know all about because Jordana Brewster is a lesbian criminal mastermind and it's awesome even though it's not exactly an Oscar contender.

D.E.B.S. is a movie about a group of 4 girls at an all-girls spy school, one of whom has a crisis of goody-two-shoesness when she falls in love with aforementioned Jordana Brewster Lesbian Criminal Mastermind. Chaos ensues. It's a spoof, and it also has Holland Taylor and Michael Clarke Duncan because, well, I don't know. I really like it but then I also really love Megapython vs Gatoroid.

2. So then, the next movie is Charm School. Charm School is in Spanish, with English subs. It's about a group of girls at an all-girls charm school, hence the connection to D.E.B.S. I haven't watched it, but according to the imdb blurb about it, it also has one 'bad girl' who leads the rest of the group in a kind of awakening/rebellion.

3. So then you think, okay, it's a pack of movies about school girls in short skirts. That's a bit obvious but okay. Nay, nay my friends. Too obvious and yet at the same time not as obvious as the addition of Feel The Noise.

Feel The Noise is about a guy. Yes, a guy. (I know, I'm disappointed, too.) This rapper has to GTFO of the Bronx (it has to be the Bronx because JLo produced it and she's still Jenny From The Block) so he goes to Puerto Rico and discovered Reggaton in the process.

So how the fuck does this fit? They speak Spanish in Puerto Rico, motherfuckers. The curators of this collection have determined that if you made it through Charm School, then you're open to "other cultures" and have gotten used to hearing the Spanish language.

This movie is in English, though.

4. NOW for the pièce de résistance. S Club 7: Seeing Double. Otherwise known as 'possibly one of the worst movies ever made non-ironically that of course I adore anyways because S Club 7 was my childhood JO FOREVER.'

How can you fit this movie in with anything, ever? How can you compare it to any other movie without laughing maniacally? (My favorite thing to do in my head is imagining having an earnest conversation where I claim that it's, "Just like Gattaca!")

At this point in the continuum of tenuous and far-reaching connections, it's simple: it has music in it.

And that's how this collection came together. That's its entire purpose in life: to get Seeing Double into a 4-pack. Preferably a 4-pack with a cult classic lesbian movie because Jo O'Meara is really super gay.

How Every Second of RE:5 Could Have Been Better With Claire

Well, that's a good question, Alice. Neither Redfield is in Resident Evil: Retribution. Personally, though I like Chris well enough, I was prepared for him to be gone. But Claire has, at this point, been in two consecutive RE movies, and an informal poll of no-seriously everyone I know says that she's a fan favorite. The Alice/Claire match-up is pretty much perfect.

So in this series of screencaps from RE: Retribution, I'm going to detail the many places where the movie would have been vastly improved by Claire's presence. I know what the title says, but taking a screencap of every second of the movie would have been excessive.

It will document almost the entire movie. Spoilers, in other words.

Ho ho ho, motherfuckers.

Predictably, I'm sick the day before Christmas Eve. It happens without fail; the day before a major holiday, I come down with something, and I spend the whole day drinking tea and sulking about being sick, and then I wake up the next day better. I think maybe my body is the Grinch but my brain is Cindy-Loo Who, who is no more than two.

(Which is just weird because, really, a two year old isn't quite as cogent as Cindy-Loo. I would have guessed her at four, maybe five without the rhyme.)

Anyways, Merry Christmas, everyone. It's doubtful I'll have anything brilliant to say between then and now, and I'm slightly delirious now, so might as well channel the Dayquil into holiday cheer.

I've had a Christmas photoshoot for your enjoyment. Well, really for my enjoyment. I love this hat and I only get to wear it for about 2 weeks every year.

 Look, there's even glitter. I have cheer, I do.

Also I am not looking at the camera here because I am seriously admiring this kid's beglittered ornament, which is about a million times better than what I could come up with. He had, like, dimensions of glitter on those Popsicle sticks. 

Of course I have a Max. And of course I take pictures with him that make my nose look very large. 

It's Christmas you aren't allowed to make judgments about how attractive I am. Everyone is beautiful at Christmas, motherfucker!

With full awareness that this picture is terrible.

No one believed me that I did something Christmasy. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT I LOVE CHRISTMAS?! It's because I'm not a Christian, right? Well, if you think Christmas has anything to do with religion, you're not paying attention.

ALSO: Yes, I know the SalvArm is terrible to gay people. I did this anyways because a) my friend asked me to stand with her and b) excluding gay people doesn't mean that the straight people they do help don't need help. HUGS NOT HATES, people. 

Well, you know. Monetary hugs. I don't actually want to hug any of them. Ew.

2AM is bad for me.

I have this really terrible idea for a mockumentary style reality show. I want to call it something like, "Demure 'N In," or, "Housewives of Moderate Means." And I want it to be about nice women, who are just honest and sweet all the time. But it would have to be shot and edited as if everything was a big deal.

You could have dramatic confrontations like:

"Oh, Rachel! I didn't know you were bringing a guest. You didn't mention her on your RSVP, but of course she's welcome. Both of you come inside."
"Mary-Claire, this is my sister Rose. I'm sorry I didn't know she was going to be in town or else I would have included her on the RSVP. I brought extra cheese straws and a veggie dip."
"Rose, it's so nice to meet you! Please come in. I've heard so much about you, I'd have been mad if Rachel didn't bring you along. There's coffee in the dining room and everyone is socializing on the patio so we can keep an eye on the children as they frolic."

Or:

"Stan and I are getting a divorce."
"Oh, dear, what happened?"
"Nothing, really. We've been together since we were in high school and we've realized that we grew apart as people, and we've really been more like friends for the past few years anyways. We're dividing the assets equally and the kids understand."

Or:

"Hey, Rose, what do you think of my new haircut?"
"I love it! It makes you look younger."
"So you're saying I looked old before? ... (chuckle) I'm kidding, dear. I really like these highlights, too. I went to Annie, at the Great Clips on Lawndale, if you're interested."

And you could put all of this to really super-dramatic music, and every now and then play a track of that sound people in clubs make right when there's a fight breaking out while Rachel and Mary-Claire are sitting on the patio drinking coffee.

The ribbon dancing is a metaphor.

This is a pictoral 'essay' through which I am going to provide evidence and commentary for my theory that the Disney film, Cadet Kelly, is really about being a lesbian in military school. 

Cadet Kelly stars Hillary Duff and Christi Carlson Romano, and tells the story of Kelly (Duff) who has been raised as a free-loving artist in NYC. Her mother marries a military man, who then takes a job as the commandant of a military academy. Due to the fact that they have to move out into the country, where the school is, Kelly has no choice but to attend the academy.

The very first trouble she gets into is over a rainbow flag blanket which she really, really wants on her bed in the barracks. Her platoon leader, Capt. Jennifer Stone, picks it up and looks at it like it's the embodiement of everything she loathes about herself:

PT at this school involves a lot of making the cadets crawl around in the mud. Capt. Jennifer Stone enjoys her job:

She gleefully makes Kelly crawl through extra mud, in the rain, so that Kelly won't show up to the dance. But Kelly does anyways, because she is determined to dance with the Capt:

Everyone see this, and the Capt. is shocked and embarassed:

She responds by not only yelling at Kelly for her pride blanket, but ripping it up:

Kelly lies in bed, staring at the torn pieces of her pride:

Her only recourse is to sneak into Capt. Jennifer Stone's room, in the dark, at night, wearing this expression on her face:

She "paints Jennifer Stone's hair rainbow." This movie takes metaphors extremely literally:

Capt. Jennifer Stone wants to have a word with her about this:

Kelly is court-martialed, and there is a tense, illogical moment while Capt. Stone is trying to keep it together and read the charges where the judge repeatedly orders her to remove her hat and show her gay hair. That's asking, sir:

Kelly is devastated by the court-martial and thinks in an interior monologue that military school probably isn't for her. Unspoken is her upset at outing Capt. Stone:

 

Her punishment is to shine and polish the drill team's gear. The drill team is cheerleaders with rifles. Kelly called them robots earlier, and thinks this is a terrible punishment, until she is watching them practice one day, and suddenly she realizes it's really cool and beautiful, and she gets this expression on her face:

What is she looking at, you might ask? Well, immediately after the finger biting, the camera cuts over to:

And then this happens:

Kelly is the equipment manager, and she now has incentive to be the best equipment manager possible, because sometimes that means helping Capt. Stone get dressed:

But it's not enough. Kelly realizes that in order to gain the respect of Capt. Stone, she must join the drill team. So she asks Gloria to help her. Gloria shows her how to handle her weapon:

Kelly's hard work eventually leads to her making the drill team, and then she has a confrontation with Capt. Stone in a field:

Kelly gives Capt Stone a clearly smitten glance, and Capt Stone is clearly uncomfortable about it:

They wind up dancing together, and while it looks like weird military step dancing, they make eye contact and, no shit, do not break eye contact for the entire dance sequence. It's really intense:

Gloria, watching them, gets this look on her face, because she is a romantic:

So then the drill team captain, Brad, says that they have to dance together for the competition, because they have "fire and passion." No really, it's what he says.

There are a couple of adorable locker room scenes, culminating in this one, where Capt. Stone accuses her of doing all of this for Brad, and Kelly says, "Ma'am, no ma'am. YOU are my partner... and commanding officer. I work with YOU."

At the competition, Gloria once again voices her support of their relationship:

And they dance together in front of several military schools and parents:

Jennifer Stone starts to look happy for the first time:

Kelly is already unbelievably ecstatic:

At one point in the routine, they start ribbon-dancing. The crowd is like, "Wait, what? This is military step-dancing." But we understand that ribbon dancing is a euphemism:

They get a standing ovation, and Jennifer Stone cannot contain her happiness:

Kelly wins:

Capt. Stone salutes her:

And Kelly is all, psh, no, I'm hugging you in front of everyone:

We all know that "knocks her hat askew" is another euphemism:

And then in the final moments, Capt. Stone reveals that her father has been transferred to Europe, so she's moving. To Europe. Look at their faces (I included a thumbnail of Kelly's face.) Have you ever seen two people look more devastated?