My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding was a rerun.

I'm watching Guy Ferry talk with his mouth full and get in real chefs' ways on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, and having my foot licked off by the Savage Beast.

It's a compromise. She wanted to lick my face off. See?

She's not vicious. She just loves you so much she can't stand it.

This morning I went on my longest bike ride to date, 41 miles. Not that it's impressive by Real Bikers' standards, but considering the fact that I'm not really a biker, I'm happy with it. I can feel in my body - especially my legs and that place where my legs meet my back - that I'm using muscles in ways I don't normally. I'm in great shape but it's a very specific kind of shape. By the end of these two weeks, it'll be interesting to see what my legs look like. Right now I'm just hoping that my glutes will stop being sore. Not being able to run is such a pain in the ass.

Haha. See how this injury is affecting my sense of humor?

There's a commercial for these things called Pajama Jeans, which annoy me. Because they're not real pants. I don't accept that people can wear pajamas out as regular pants. If they were regular pants, they wouldn't be called pajamas.

I think it really bothers me that there's a huge market for stuff that lets you fake things. Fake jeans, fake bodies. Yes, my brain goes there. It's a logical step. Pajama jeans look a lot like the Curve Control Jeans brought to you by the makers of the Kymaro New Body Shaper.

The Kymaro New Body Shaper is simultaneously the funniest and most deplorable thing I've ever seen being hawked in an infomercial, and back when I worked night shift, I watched a ton of infomercials. They're in the same vein for me as bad disaster movies.

So, this is the Kymaro New Body Shaper:

It's basically control top panty hose for your whole body.

The thing that always stymies me at the end is that... well, ostensibly you're wearing this thing to be more attractive, yes? And you want to be more attractive in order to get laid. It's OK - everyone has the same goal. We all want to be attractive to get laid in order to feel more attractive.

But consider this:

1. You put on your Kymaro New Body Shaper.

2. Feeling skinny and slightly light-headed because you can only take shallow breaths, you nance out on your high heels to a club. (There's no way you'd go to the trouble of Kymaro New Body Shaper and not be wearing high heels.)

3. You find someone who will have sex with you.

4. You arrive at a previously agreed upon location in order to have this sex.

5. Now what?

You have to take your clothes off, that's what.

Chew on that for a minute.