Clearly, some this calls for some marathon lampooning.
We start out with some pretty okay CG animation of planets and suns and, you know, general space. At the bottom of the screen, it informs us that this is happening MILLIONS OF YEARS AGO. Some nebulae zoom around, some stuff explodes, some asteroids and comets zoom past...
Then the screen says PRESENT DAY, so we know it's present day even though the graphics didn't change at all. Less than five minutes into this thing and I know I'm in for an awesome ride. Here we go...
Scene 1: The Obligatory Observatory
Featuring: The Obligatory Scientist Who Never Learned To Write Without Speaking Aloud
So, we listen to him talking in a relentless monotone about how THE ENTIRE FREAKING WORLD IS ENDING while getting these long, Trek-esque views of his workstation, and then finally, we get a look at the guy.
And he looks like this:
Luckily I already wasn't taking this movie seriously, because I think he's supposed to be the 'genius astrophysicist' the cover talks about, and he looks like a gay theater critic. Even if he was speaking with one ounce of emotion about the END OF THE ENTIRE FREAKING WORLD, I would be unable to listen because I'm too busy staring at the double glasses he's rocking.
Anyways, he has a little discussion over Skype with a girl who could be a main character later on, but you never know with these things and I'm blinded by the light winking off this guy's old lady glasses chain, and then he of course gets up and walks away with purpose. They always do. They discover that the WORLD IS FREAKING ENDING and then they get up and leave.
He gets into this awesome old truck with a surfboard on the roof, and drives away. He is immediately followed by two Very Clean Cut Boys in a Land Rover. It is black, like their suits, because they are clearly Feds. They have binoculars and cameras with zoom lenses which they wield at the same time. You have to go to Quantico to learn that shit.
He's out in the middle of nowhere, so this driving scene is going to take a while even if he's just going for an ice cream. Obviously we need to cut to -
A News Reporter.
She has a British accent, which makes me wonder if we've switched continents. She doesn't help me, either, even though she informs me that we are now at "Memorial Fountain, near Downtown." She awkwardly tells the camera about some ducks, and then awkwardly tells the ducks to get away from her designer shoes. None of us listen.
Back to the Fabulous Scientist, who is finished driving and has arrived... at a coffee shop. See, I had guessed ice cream because it's a movie about the sun and usually they like to establish how hot the sun is.
He looks over at the Feds, who are so clean they sparkle like Twitards, and then walks into the coffee shop. It is busy, but all of the patrons appear to be men, many of which are in muscle shirts. So Fabulous Scientist stops dead in the door and says, "Who wants to make some easy money?"
If a guy walks into a gay coffee shop and he looks like this:
And he asks you if you want to make some easy money, you should probably make sure the condom you have in your wallet hasn't expired.But apparently this coffee shop is not as gay as previously suspected, because the Feds watch in sweet, child-like confusion from their Land Rover as every patron walks out to their car and leaves. You know, I would too.
Fabulous Scientist then uses his clever Acquire Prostitute/Escape Surveillance Plan to make it to the airport, where he walks past Luke Perry. The camera lingers for a moment on his face (Hey, honey, isn't that Luke Perry? No, really, I think it's Luke Perry!) and Fabulous Scientist gets lost in the crowd.
Luke Perry has to become our main character or the rest of the movie will be just a long running-through-the-airport montage. He tries to help the camera out - he can still see the Fabulous Scientist - but Fabulous Scientist refuses to turn around so he's stuck in this movie for the next... oh, god, there's more than 150 minutes left in this thing.
Well, Luke Perry, if I have to, you have to. You're Exemplary Man. You wouldn't leave me to die alone like this.
So he takes us home so we can find out what a good family man he - oh, dear. Trouble in Disaster Movie Formula Land. Exemplary Man is not so exemplary here. His wife comes down the stairs to meet him holding a gun. It turns out that she's just afraid of the world, and not trying to kill him for forgetting to pick up the milk while he was out, but still. Luke Perry almost got his ass shot by his own wife.
They have a fight, wherein his wife makes sure to mention that he is a Brilliant Astrophysicist, about how she wants to move "back to the States."
WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?
So far I have heard American accents, and one British accent.
Mathematically speaking, I think we're probably supposed to be in Australia.
Luke Perry finally detaches himself from his gun-toting wife while his daughter plays Fur Elise in the background, and goes into the office, where he has a video email from Fabulous Scientist.
I'm sorry, this guy isn't getting old to me:
As a side note (who am I kidding? This whole movie is a side note...) where do they come up with the operating system GUIs for these movies? Why can't major scientists just use Mac, Windows, or even Linux? They always seem to be using some rip-off of Windows95, even though their computers manage to perform really amazing graphic feats.So then a bunch of science talk happens, which I ignore because they made it up and no one is speaking with any emotion, and the gist of the whole thing is that no one knows where Fabulous Scientist is.
FINALLY, Tia Carrere shows up. I've been waiting for her.
Tia Carrere's name is Delgado, and she works for the National Intelligence Organization, which they totally made up right then. Luke Perry mentions that she's 'a long way from home,' which she ignores. The Clean Cut Feds pipe in and say that it's a 'joint task force,' and Agent Delgado is 'working with them,' despite the fact that their accents are more American than hers is. Does anyone know where the fuck we are?
We get back to Fabulous Scientist, who pulls out a map and begins trying to figure out where he is. With the help of his rickshaw airplane pilot, he manages to find... the equator. So that's a start. At least someone is trying.
Fabulous Scientist gets into the plane, buckles in, and then thinks to ask, "Are you sure this thing will fly?" Which is a legit question. The props department went a little overboard with the rust colored spray paint.
The pilot smirks, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out... a plastic Jesus statue. He kisses it and slaps it onto the dashboard.
Oh, shit.Back to the action! It turns out that Ginny the Assistant IS going to be a main character. She is desperately looking for Fabulous Scientist via email and Twitter, and dodging the savvy British News Reporter, and seems to be trying very hard to mask an Australian accent. I'm so very confused. Are there Australian people living in Australia?
The camera gets distracted by the television, where a news report tells us about some whales beaching and a "Spontaneous Zebra Stampede." Oh, yeah. THE WORLD IS FREAKING ENDING. I'm glad someone remembered.
The TV is on in Luke Perry's house, and his wife is watching. But then she has a random PTSD-style flashback of that time when she watched a serial killer torture and kill someone (You know, that time.), and Exemplary Man continues to destroy my faith in him by sneaking up and kissing her on the neck while that's happening. He basically scares the living shit out of her, but then he apologizes and she apologizes for, you know, having something horrible happen to her, and it's all okay and Time To Make Out. But then they have another fight and she walks over and picks up the gun because she remembers that she's got PTSD.
Back to the British News Reporter, who is sitting at her desk drinking out of a double-sized flask. I don't blame her because this movie makes me want to drink, too.
Does anyone remember the WORLD IS FREAKING ENDING?!
So now we have to establish that Ginny the Assistant is straight, because after her sparky interactions with the Burned-Out British News Reporter, I was questioning it. Not only is she straight, but her boyfriend is Doug Ross from ER.
Well, not really, but it's some Clooney knock-off doctor who is treating some kid with a cut foot in an emergency room. Close enough. Ginny is visiting him and they are having a date. In the hospital where he works. He's cordoned off a trauma room and put up some cheesy x-rays with anatomically incorrect red paper hearts pasted on them.
Ginny says, "Oh, god, why?" and he says, "It's our anniversary. One year to the day since I first kissed you." And she says, "Oh, god, I forgot I am so sorry." Who remembers that? She's a very busy assistant to what I'm sure is a very high maintenance Fabulous Scientist. She doesn't have time to cater to Doug Ross' puppy dog eyes. She's dating a doctor because he's busy, which means he doesn't have much time for her, which means...
You know, this is not making her any less gay to me.
Speaking of gay, the British News Reporter is now driving out into the desert to the Fabulous Scientist's house. The power is out and the place is torn to shreds. She notes that "despite being a known eccentric," she doesn't think Fabulous Scientist would have done this. She clearly has never witnessed a grown man having a hissy fit.
She opens a closet door and there's a porcupine in it.
She is so scared she runs all the way to Ginny's apartment for comfort, and Ginny tells her the porcupine is named Skipper, and Fabulous Scientist used to sit on the porch with him and drink tea. Maybe eccentric is Australian for "queer as a three dollar bill." Since they don't have dollars in Australian.
God, this movie is long. Part 2 of Part 1 will have to wait until later. I have to get to class.
Speaking of gay, the British News Reporter is now driving out into the desert to the Fabulous Scientist's house. The power is out and the place is torn to shreds. She notes that "despite being a known eccentric," she doesn't think Fabulous Scientist would have done this. She clearly has never witnessed a grown man having a hissy fit.
She opens a closet door and there's a porcupine in it.
She is so scared she runs all the way to Ginny's apartment for comfort, and Ginny tells her the porcupine is named Skipper, and Fabulous Scientist used to sit on the porch with him and drink tea. Maybe eccentric is Australian for "queer as a three dollar bill." Since they don't have dollars in Australian.
God, this movie is long. Part 2 of Part 1 will have to wait until later. I have to get to class.
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