Thursday, June 2, 2011


Picking up exactly where I left off, we're watching TV with Luke Perry's wife again, and a news anchor with an American accent mentions that we are in the Southern Hemisphere. Finally. 35 minutes into this movie and it is established that we're in Australia.

So Delgado (Tia Carrere, in case you weren't paying attention during Pt1. It's okay because I kind of wasn't paying attention either, and I'm 99% sure none of the actors were.) has basically forced Luke Perry to go to this conference on the Sun and find out what Fabulous Scientist told the Top Scientists in his Doomsday Email.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you about the magically self-destructing emails. Fabulous Scientist sent out an email to, like, 5 or 6 major scientists before he disappeared. Delgado is assuming that they were important emails but she doesn't know what they said, because they destroyed themselves after being read. She can see who they were sent to, but she has no idea what the contents were.

Which, for the record, is totally 100% impossible.

Emails are not like letters. Any time an email is sent, it bounces from more than one server before it gets where it's going. Every time it bounces, essentially a copy of it is made.

If you're a "National Intelligence Organization" employee with jurisdiction that literally goes all the way around the world, and you have the resources to see that emails were sent, then you probably have a nerdy sidekick sitting in a basement room somewhere, spinning pixie sticks between his fingers and farming gold on WoW. And if you're Tia Carrere, you could just purr at him over the phone and he'd find the contents of every email ever sent.

So armed with a totally bogus premise that we have to let slide because it's a movie, and Tia Carrere just showed up and we have yet to see her in a low cut blouse, Luke Perry goes to this conference to talk to these Top Scientists.

He gets there and one of them has already killed himself. The others are all pissed off in various foreign accents. We finally hear an Australian accent, but unfortunately he's one of the Foreign Scientists. While Luke Perry is talking to them/spying for Delgado, we're introduced to some American military people in a DoD style command center. Does Australia even have a government?

One of the scientists finally gets so pissed off that he runs away screaming something about the KGB and Mother Russia, and Delgado chases after him. At first we think he's trying to jump off the roof and kill himself - afterall, the FREAKING WORLD IS ENDING and ostensibly these people all know that - but he's just trying to James Bond it to another rooftop.

He fails because he's a pissed off scientist, and
Delgado has to go get him. Honestly, it's so annoying when characters don't understand what part they're playing.

But it turns out this Foreign Scientist is so useless that he can't even manage to let Delgado save him, even though she was totally giving him a look right down her shirt.

I mean, if Tia Carrere's cleavage can't save you, what the hell can?

So the two Clean Cut Feds are standing back on the other roof looking over at Delgado like, well, Quantico didn't train us to run and jump, and she brushes her hair back and says, "Go get the others in the van."

What she means is, "I'm stuck on this roof now. You'll have to finish the movie without me."

And then, in a dramatic scene cut, there's the van, and the words we've all been waiting for: "SYNDEY, AUSTRALIA." The time is 47:51, and it's finally confirmed that we're in Australian.

Delgado understandably handcuffs all the scientists now, including Luke Perry. You know, since they seem to be trending towards freaking out and/or dying and/or messing up her hair. Luke Perry protests loudly and asks for a phone call to tell his family he's okay. To which Delgado's face says, "Psh, bitch, you're in Australia. Did you hear me Mirandize you? I'm pretty sure 'miranda' is Australian slang for something, but it aint 'rights.'" He asks her to take the handcuffs off, at least, and she just walks away. Luke Perry's face tells her, "You know we're going to have sex later. My wife is heavily armed and has hair like an Oompa Loompa."

No, really, she does. Look:
So then there's an EPIC WORLD DISASTER MONTAGE to remind us that IT'S THE END OF THE FREAKING WORLD. And since naturally they've put everyone who knows about it in a helicopter despite constantly talking about all the electrical storms and magnetic interference, the montage ends with the helicopter having a complete failure of all it's electrical systems.

That's bad, because they're flying it at night, and possibly all the way to America.

So the helicopter pilots shout a lot of mumbo-jumbo back and forth, shaking the control stick and randomly pushing buttons. Delgado pops her head between their seats and is all, "Hey, guys, what's up, do you need, like, a soda or anything? No? How about a look down my shirt?" And one of them is all, "Hey, thanks, maybe later please go buckle your seatbelt," and then the other one bellows, "SWITCH TO THE OMEGA!"

And the helicopter crashes.

Now that Delgado and Luke Perry (What is his character's name? I can't remember.) and everyone else who knows the WORLD IS FREAKING ENDING are dead, we cut over to the United States DoD command post, where they're freaking out because all the planes and helicopters in the world had to switch to the omega. No, really.

The head brass turns to the guy at the main computer and says, "How do we avoid this from ever happening again."

And the guy blinks and says, "Well, we could start by appointing a director of the DoD with a basic command of the English language..."

Meanwhile, in the Indian Ocean:
Refreshing fruity beverage?

Aaaaand Luke Perry is back from the dead. He is fall was apparently broken by a conveniently placed vat of stage blood. He sits up, looks over, and

BAM. Agent Delgado is one bad-ass motherfucker.

She calmly tells him in one sentence that they're the only survivors, and her cell phone isn't working. "Did you pull me out?" he asks.

She shrugs, "Yeah." Of course she did. She's Agent Fucking Delgado. I wouldn't be surprised if Agent actually IS her first name. She's that hardcore.

So then Luke Perry, sensing that he's no longer the Exemplary One here, tries to reassert himself as a loving family man, and starts staggering across the desert with Delgado half-heartedly trying to stop him before she finally just pulls out her gun and is like, "Fool, I just saved your ass and you're still under arrest and if we're hiking across this desert you're gonna fucking carry my water and my purse."

But then a new helicopter comes to get them, because no one ever makes a logical prediction in this movie. We're introduced to this hardcore military guy who reminds me of Leo McGarry from West Wing only evil, and he takes Luke Perry and Agent Delgado on a long elevator ride into a giant underground compound that they're planning on putting 10,000 people in to save the human race from extinction.

I'm not making this shit up. Someone else did, I swear.

So, Evil Leo McGarry outlines the plan for who to save - without saying the word 'eugenics' even though it's clearly what he's talking about - and then he's like, "Oh, yeah, you're on the list, Luke Perry."

Luke Perry says, "So what about my wife and daughter?"

Evil Leo says, "I'll have to check the list. But last time I checked, we weren't looking to preserve the gene for Oompa Loompa hair." Luke Perry then makes the logical leap from 'my wife' over to 'Agent Delgado,' and demands to know if she gets to come in the ark.

Evil Leo deadpans: "Agent Delgado has the necessary skills."

Translation: "I'm planning on tapping that once the world ends."

So then Luke Perry has a major freakout and steals a 4-wheeler. Agent Delgado is screaming at him, "You moron, did you time that elevator ride? We're miles and miles underground. This place is going to survive THE END OF THE FREAKING WORLD YOU CAN'T JUST -"

Oh, but Luke Perry CAN drive a 4-wheeler all the way to the surface of the world.

Well, fuck that. Agent Delgado can run after him in her high heels.
Take that, Luke Perry. Anything you can do, I can do bad-ass-er.

Back to the DoD, where they've found some scientist to explain how it's the END OF THE FREAKING WORLD, and the director of the DoD makes fun of his graphics.

The scientist kind of coughs and says, "Yeah, well the server that we had Photoshop on was knocked out during a magnetic storm."

And that's the end of Part 1. The actual Part 1 of the miniseries, not just a division I made up in my head so I could go to the bathroom and take a nap.

I'll watch Part 2 tomorrow. Stay tuned.

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