So, the finale of The Voice is tonight. Unfortunately, dogsitting ended this morning, so I won't be able to watch it live. On the off chance that you're just tuning in, and you don't know who to root for, I thought I'd recap last night's episode, so you feel up to speed.
The judges opened it for us by singing "Under Pressure." Badly. I mean, I couldn't believe it, it was so bad. If any of the contestants had been singing like that, America would have voted them off the island. I mean stage.
Xtina came in a good half-beat behind her cue, and seemed to really struggle to hold pitch. At the time I thought it was just due to how distressed she was at the others' performances - no one's voice was really meshing or harmonizing at all. It was four people from four different musical styles who all thought they were the awesomest. Then I decided that maybe it was the fifty pounds of hair they'd glued to her scalp.
Then I decided that she was really on drugs.
In fact, at one point, Carson Daly turned to her for comment, and while I'm sure it's not really what she said, what I heard was, "My boobs. And this Valium."
Unfortunately, the interwebs have not yet provided me with a picture of what she was wearing for you, but let me assure you, I now have expert knowledge of the Xtina's solar plexus. I could probably draw you a diagram of it. I almost typed 'diaphragm' there in an effort to make a pun, but I just couldn't do it.
The contestants were doing original songs that they wrote themselves, like Glee at Nationals, interspersed with random performances by people who were already famous, like Dia Frampton. Also Pitbull, and Brad Paisley.
I spent a few minutes chuckling over the fact that Pitbull looked a lot like Beverly with a fake little mustache slapped on like my Wilson friends used to do for drag night. "No, guys. That was my original song. I wrote it myself. Hustlers move aside, so I'm tip-toein', keep flowin', got it locked up like Lindsay Loha - no? I should have written a song about break-ups like everyone else?"
Javier and Vicci killed it on their original songs, and then Dia Frampton came on and of course performed a beautiful original song. She really shouldn't be on this show. She's Dia Frampton. When she started singing during blind auditions, you could tell on the judges faces that they recognized her voice. Because she's Dia Frampton.
I really quite liked Javier's song. It's too bad that I find him boring as a performer. I don't like watching him. His voice is beautiful but he doesn't hold me riveted while he performs. Vicci and Beverly nail my eyes to the screen.
Also Dia Frampton is already famous! And she can't seem to say anything intelligent on this show! She and Blake Shelton's duet was clearly a send-up to Blues Brothers, and Dia clearly didn't get it at all. She even took her sunglasses off. I've been wondering this whole time why they continually refer to her as a kid, and this is the first time I began to understand.
And then Beverly and Xtina did this:
And Beverly won The Voice. Just like that. I mean, I'm still hoping that Vicci will win, but I'm fairly certain that that performance really just ended the competition right then.
When Brad Paisley performed, Xtina was kind-of clapping and looking around with a confused look on her face that exactly mirrored the confused look on my face: "Why is Brad Paisley performing right now?"
You could almost hear someone screaming backstage: "Someone get the Xtina another Valium! She is starting to question the show!"
Beverly's amazing original song performance felt like a victory lap to me. And then Vicci and Cee Lo did this.
SO FUCKING EPIC.