Saturday, June 4, 2011

Supernova Pt3: I have a Land Rover

Supernova Pt1: Where the hell are we?
Intermission: What do you mean, "Who is Tia Carrere?"

Step back, sons. I have a citronella candle, diet Canada Dry ginger ale, and a brand-new outdoor outlet on my back porch. It's time to watch part two of this epic adventure in style.

Here goes.

Well, we start out with different into music - a little less epic, a little more punk rock. Interesting choice. There's some more CG space animation mixed in with stock footage of what I'm sure are real disasters. So it's kind of like you're switching between watching the news and playing Starcraft.

Actually, it's exactly like that. Huh.

So, basically everything is on fire. EVEN THE GOATS!
They made sure to add a recording of a goat bleating in post. I'm assuming that it's bleating in terror, but then I don't speak goat. He might have just been asking for ice cream.

Things are also randomly blowing up all over the place. There's this American reporter telling us about it now, standing in front of a solid, mysteriously unexploded buildi- oh, nevermind. Boom goes the dynamite.

Then the camera pans back and it turns out that the US Military are just sitting around watching the news. The station goes to commercial, and Evil Leo props his hands on his camo-clad hips in a manly fashion and proceeds to monologue in fine supervillain fashion. He even manages to quote Abraham Lincoln. You can tell he's been practicing this in front of a mirror for years. He says we have to "face the arithmetic" and save the human race "without sentimentality."

In other words, "I've done this math on this thing and the more people we save, the less chance there is that Tia Carrere will sleep with me."

Speaking of Agent Delgado, she's there, and someone found her a hairbrush, which is a shame because I thought the post-helicopter-crash 80s 'do was really adding to her credibility.

She asks Evil Leo is he's heard anything about her mother and sister, and he says they refused to go into the Secret Underground Nazi City. Even though he said 'pretty please.'

Agent Delgado puts on her Resolve Face.
It's on, now.

Then suddenly, the scene cuts and the screen says we're in Washington DC. Fantastic. Maybe this is where all the Australian people are. The DoD are sitting in their command center talking about how the entire world is on fire and no one knows what's going on. They should really watch the news like the Military.

Cut to the lesbians, who are making home movies and enjoying brunch.
Before you make cliche jokes about UHauls, remember that THE ENTIRE FREAKING WORLD IS ENDING. Time is limited.

The British Journalist has been fired, but she's still gonna Get Her Story Out, I'm assuming using the Ginnyssistant's Skype and Twitter Savvy. Since everyone in this movie has time to stand around and watch the news, apparently.

Back to Luke Perry, the Brilliant Astrophysicist, whose brilliant escape plan is to... pry open an air vent an anorexic ballerina wouldn't be able to wedge through.
Thank God Agent Delgado is in this movie. She shows up with something useful - handcuffs.

Luke Perry puts up a fight, because he's never seen Star Wars.
Agent Delgado Does Not Have Time For This Shit. She forces him to wander around in a basement for a while and then shoves him into a car. Because it's been established that you can drive to the surface. Nevermind that for a ramp to work like that it would have to be miles and miles... hey. Maybe it's a ramp all the way through the planet, and that's why all the American people are in Australia.

Before I have time to consider this idea more fully, we're taken back to Luke Perry's wife. You know, it doesn't surprise me that she's not included in the Secret Underground Nazi City. Since she's clearly very unitarian and unprejudiced.
She and Evil Leo would totally get along. And they need a Secret place to go, anyways, because the guy she's so wigged about has escaped from prison and is Coming To Get Her. So she runs her ass away and leaves her slave behind to "get things in order" and be killed. As she drives away, the slave speaks for the first time. With a South African accent.

Meanwhile, British Journalist has posted her home videos up on Myspace. As you do.

It's taken Luke Perry all this side plot to realize that Tia Carrere is saving his ass. She promises to drive him to Sydney, but then he's on his own because she has to go save her mother and sister in St Louis. Missouri.

Luke Perry says, "You can't make it to St Louis from here. It's halfway around the world."

Tia Carrere says, "Watch me, bitch. I have a Land Rover."

Luke Perry's wife and daughter have decided to go camping on that other planet where the weather is positively bucolic. They should really just take the human race there. I guess it would really mess up the view, though. They bought another South African slave when they got there. I'm taken off guard when this slave calls her first name. I was actually assuming her name was 'Madam,' because it made the whole thing less offensive to me.

Anywho, Agent Delgado has managed to find a real Australian person! So she steals his car. Diplomacy is for those other people. You know, the ones who aren't awesome. Like Luke Perry. Who watches her steal the car, knows the car is stolen, but still has to be told to get in. As he buckles his seatbelt, he chides her for stealing it. IT'S THE END OF THE FREAKING WORLD, LUKE PERRY!

Meanwhile, in the Indian Ocean:
Brunch on the terrace?
How about a slumber party? We can paint each others' toenails and tell ghost stories!

Seriously, girls, if you ever get a guy into bed, and he has a cute little dolphin tattoo on his arm, you should probably start hinting that, you know, "If you were gay... that would be okay... I mean cause hey... I'd like you anyway..."

Aaaaaand back to the "action." Tia Carrere and Luke Perry are on the road trip from hell.

Luke Perry is writing in his diary.
Dear Diary.
Agent Delgado is such a bitch.
I'm so glad I'm HAPPILY married and NOT ATTRACTED TO HER AT ALL!!!!!!!!

Agent Delgado interrupts his furious journaling to tell him that they've been riding in the car from the Phantom Tollbooth this whole time, and his tiny, thoughtless brain is going to keep them from reaching St Louis.

He says, no, the Pacific Ocean is going to keep us from reaching St Louis.

She slaps him upside the head.

He makes sure to note in his diary that this is the WORST ROAD TRIP EVER.

Cut to a reminder that the WORLD IS FREAKING ENDING, thanks to these images from Starcraft
And some dramatic music.

British Journalist and Ginnyssistant have decided to take a road trip, too. For a movie about catastrophic climate change, no one seems very concerned about the environment.

That bitch slap Delgado delivered knocked the final thoughts from Luke Perry's head, so the Phantom Tollbooth car stopped working.
You thought I was kidding, didn't you?

So now they have to walk to St Louis. At least this way they'll be decreasing their carbon footprint. They should keep trying to protect the environment and conserve natural resources, because at this point I think they might have all completely forgotten that the WORLD IS FREAKING ENDING, so the script writers might have, too.

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