Friday, June 15, 2012

Bits and Pieces of Funny

The entire Harry Potter series is a lot funnier if you decide that the entire conflict is centered around Voldemort's nose.

"I got your nose! I got your nose!"
"No, you didn't. It's right here on my... My nose! All right, fine, Dumbledore. You win. Give me my nose back."
"I lied, I don't have it. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!" -skips off-
"Well, then, who took it?"
"Silence, Wormtail! I have no nose and it preoccupies me. Where is it? It isn't there. Maybe if I close one eye and - no, still not there! POTTER HAS MY NOSE! I KNOW HE DOES! We must get Potter's nose!"
More After The Jump.


Gigli, Gigli, Gigli.

I wonder how the conversation with JLo went.

Producers: "Well, we want you to play this lesbian...."
JLo: -blink- "I'm fairly mainstream and I'm not sure I really want to take that kind of risk-"
Producers: "No, no! Don't worry! She's not really a lesbian. I mean, she says she is and has this psycho ex-girlfriend but she's still going to fuck Ben Affleck. Did we mention Ben Affleck is in this movie? Cause he is. And there's also a mentally disabled kid for laughs and you're a total badass except with a heart of gold and LESBIANS ARE SO HOT PLEASE PLAY A LESBIAN."
JLo: " she's not really a lesbian?"
Producers: "Well, she is, but Ben Affleck is going to be so super studly he's going to turn her straight. Like in this porno I once - I mean, in this totally realistic situation that totally happens everyday all the time."
JLo: "I'm getting paid for this?"
Producers: "Lots and lots. And you can be on set with your boyfriend all day. We'll give you a trailer with a hot tub and you'll hardly have to act at all because you're already so hot and that's really the only defining quality of this character. That and her being a lesbian."
JLo: "Okay! That sounds swell."
Producers: -cough- "It sure does."


Quote of the Day
"The more I think about it, the more I think they're talking about lesbian sex."


I'm watching Law and Order: SVU because I was in love with Mariska Hargitay before I knew I was gay.
It's an episode with a case that happens really near Olivia's apartment, and Eliot is teasing her about the fact that she doesn't know her neighbors, yet expects the victim to have known them.

Eliot brags that living in the suburbs is better, and Olivia asks since when is Queens the suburbs?

Eliot says, 'since we got a yard with some grass'.

Olivia says, 'Yeah, and I bet you're out there every weekend, mowing the lawn.' There's some conversation about how Kathy does most of that stuff, another couple of jibes towards Liv about being isolated, and then, this happens:

Eliot: You sure don't have any grass to mow.

Olivia: Yeah, I'm a regular monk.

Eliot: Monkette.


Well, now. See what I mean? The more you think about it...

Best. Switchboard. Conversation. Ever.

Me - South Rim, how can I help you?
Her - Hi, where are you located?
Me - Inside the National Park, in the Grand Canyon Village.
Her - No, I mean, are you near anything?
Me - We're near the rim of the Canyon.
Her - But are there any landmarks?

Let's run that past you one more time: are there any landmarks?


 Regarding the song Missing by Everything But The Girl.

Lyric: "I miss you like the deserts miss the rain."

Thought: The desert is an eco-system evolved specifically not to miss the rain. This song is not terribly romantic after all.



1 comment:

  1. Reading the Switchboard Conversation immediately after "The more I think about it, the more I think they're talking about lesbian sex," gave Grand Canyon, South Rim, and its landmarks another level of meaning.

    Living where it rains every day this place does miss the desert sometimes, though. Personally, I miss dessert as I retrain running.

    What?! Dumbledore is gay?!