Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The Brighter (Or Not So Bright) Side of OCD

Sometimes the constant calorie counting in my head is useful.

For instance:

My Approximation:
2 Krispy Kreme Original Glazed Donuts @ 210kcal Each: 420kcal
Hamburger Patty, AT LEAST 6oz: 560kcal
Fried Egg (I'm assuming just one even though it looks like it could be two): 90kcal
Bacon: 60kcal
The Two Tablespoons of Butter I'm Sure Are In There Somewhere: 200kcal
Total: 1330kcal. Untold amounts of saturated fat.

And Paula Deen standing there grinning like she's just made the best food ever. No wonder "Paula Deen is trying to kill me" is the most searched phrase on Google that starts with "Paula Deen is..."

In related, ironic news, I'm not actively counting my calories anymore! This is kind of a major thing for me. I started counting when I wanted to lose weight at the Canyon, when I need to lose weight because I had gotten to 165lbs, and it immediately appealed to my OCD. Everything gets counted up, quantified, and assigned value. It's all under my control.

So I took to counting like Slim Jenkins to rice. Everything people complained about when they were told to count calories was everything I loved about it.

I was good at it and it showed. I went from 165lbs to about 135lbs in about eight, nine months. After that my progress was slower, but I chipped away to 125lbs, incorporating more and more exercise - walking and intense stationary biking at the gym. And then we had a snowstorm, and the gym was closed for four days. Jonesing for my hard workout fix, I started running.

Running did things to my weight that nothing else could. Those last 10lbs to my goal weight just dropped away - and then some. Before I knew it, I was 107 and struggling to put at least 5lbs back on. Counting then had a different purpose - to make sure I was actually eating ENOUGH, and getting the right proportion of all three macronutrients.

But now I'm... you know, I'm OK. I'm a few pounds heavier than I want to be to run my best, but I'm fixing that. I realized that I needed to stop counting when I realized I was just trying to get as few calories as possible in me - getting to 1800, on the low end of where my doctor wants me eating, felt like a bad day. As The BFF put it, "That's some eating disorder shit."

So I stopped. I'm working really hard to eat well while simultaneously not microanalyzing what I'm putting in my mouth. I've been counting long enough that I know what I should eat, and what I shouldn't, and how much, and that's enough for me to be able to get back to 115 and maybe feel like an attractive runner again.

If I ever count again, it'll be when I'm in a headspace to be able to do it responsibly and mindfully. That's just not where I am right now.

EDIT: In keeping with the Paula Deen, "This Is Not How You Do It" theme, here's how you don't exercise. Kudos to her for trying, seriously, but the whole time you're exercising you're telling those watching you not to do it. I'm confused and your husband looks like the Gorton's Fisherman.

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